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Pelosi to Idol rejects, 'Quit your day job'

by Carrie Oakey

BERKELEY, Calif. — Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi urged 2,518 American Idol rejects yesterday to quit their day jobs and work on their singing voices.

"Never give up!" she shouted into a diamond bejeweled microphone in the The Kennedy Center Concert Hall.

"Even if you sound like a sick goat being eaten alive by a boa constrictor, there is hope for you," she said. "Look at me. With the brain damage I sustained when I underestimated the length of my first bungee cord, who would have thought that I could become the leader of the entire House of Representatives?

"The main reason I pushed so hard for the health insurance bill is for you musicians. Now you can quit your day jobs and work full time on your voices. You can count on the generosity of working Americans to pay for your health insurance so that you can concentrate on your singing careers."

Simon Cowell, who judged his last American Idol show Tuesday, said Pelosi's ability to pass health insurance reform over the objections of 70 percent of the American people and 100 percent of Republicans in Congress, was "a million percent better than David Cook's last album."

"I wish publicly to thank Ms. Pelosi for making it possible for millions of musicians everywhere to spend all day getting ready for the next AI," Cowell said. "I quit AI because the show was going downhill fast with less talent to choose from every year. But I'm confident my successor will get to judge many future Carrie Underdogs and Ruben Stutterers now that they can practice more without worrying how they're going to pay for their next shrink appointment or drug rehab."

Vera Piercing, whose voice reminded Cowell of a coyote caught in a steel trap when she tried out in the premier season of American Idol, said she has been unable to improve despite practicing three hours daily after work at Hooter's of Hollywood.

"Now I'll be able to practice 11 hours a day," she said. "My dream is to be a backup singer on a cruise ship, and now I'm sure I'll be able to make it."

Another thankful past Idol contestant is Dee Minor, who tried out in Season Six but was rejected after Randy Jackson said he couldn't see a future entertainment career for a gay soprano dressed in a pink Minnie Mouse costume and juggling chainsaws while simultaneously belting out show tunes.

"I know I could have won the whole thing if those darned chainsaws hadn't been so greasy," he said. "I offered to pay for the holes in the stage, but Randy wouldn't even give me a chance.

"With all the extra practice, I'm sure I can make it next year. Watch for me. I'll be the guy in the purple tutu."

Al Tissimo of Sedona, Arizona, was outraged that the health insurance bill was not passed until this year. At age 34, he's well past the maximum age of 28 permitted on the show.

"If I only could have spent more time on my songs," he said of his Season Two experience, "maybe Paula Abdul wouldn't have laughed at me. And I always thought she was nice until she told me that only dogs could hear my high notes. Well, maybe she should have her ears checked because up close she's a dog. Did you notice they threw her out as soon as the show went to HD?"

Gia Major, a female baritone from Alaska and an Idol reject during Season 4, said her work as a fish gutter on a noisy cannery boat has damaged her ears as well as her hands. She said she kept forgetting to wear her chain mail gloves at work and eventually lost four fingers and half a thumb.

"This health insurance reform will enable me to quit work and get back to doing what my mom tells me I do best, singing my own beat box tunes. At least Simon won't be there next year to tell me I sound like a suicidal cat jumping off the Bridge to Nowhere."

Will Trill said he might not continue seeking his dream of becoming a backup singer on a country band even though he said "Obamacare would definitely make things easier."

Trill said he has worked hard to lower his singing voice but has seen virtually no progress since Cowell called him "a certifiable psychopath with the voice of an angel — a death angel with vocal chords stretched tighter than the strings of Roger Federer's racket."

Justin Casey Howells, who tried out in Season 1 with his pet beagle, Pitchy, howling harmony, said he has not been able to find a replacement for his deceased pet.

"But if Nancy Pelosi says I don't have to keep working at Walmart," he said, "I'm quitting tomorrow. I'll drive from coast to coast until I can find another harmonizing hound."

Grocery bagger Mosley Sharpe of Harm Pit, Ohio, said he has tried to practice singing at work ever since he was cut from Season Five, but patrons have complained that he can't hit the right notes.

"With more practice and without hearing criticism every day," he said, "I'm sure I can sit at my Roland keyboard every day and train my ear to hear the notes. My voice teacher, Olav Key, said I'm only about half a note from perfection."

Western guitarist-singer Ron Kords of Rock Hollow, Texas, said extra practice time will enable him to train his fingers to fly over his fretboard.

"With Ms. Pelosi's help, I'll be able to stop fretting about my frets," he said. "I have C, G and A down pretty good, but now that I can practice all day I should be get a lot better and quit playing the wrong chords."

Inderang Qui, who calls himself the Persian Purring Cat of Cool, said he will be able to eliminate his Iranian accent once he quits his job as a server at Olive Garden in Moscow, Idaho.

"My singing voice good enough for win American Idol," he said. "Just Simon and Paula say they not understand me. That maybe true in Season 7, but next year I talk like real American."

Pelosi promised her audience that they could depend on her for a job if lack of money becomes a problem before fame arrives.

"The President promised millions of new jobs," she said, "so if you need to go back to work for a few weeks, just call me. The restaurants and the gentlemen's clubs are going to be begging for employees with all their old workers switching to music and acting careers."

Quote of the Day

“The welfare state is not really about the welfare of the masses. It is about the egos of the elites.” — Thomas Sowell

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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