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Pelosi says she will justify her votes to Jesus

by Rhea Lee Jass

THE VATICAN — Nancy Pelosi said today that she does her best to comply with the wishes of Jesus in her role as Speaker of the House of Representatives.

"As a true Catholic believer, I try hard to implement laws and regulations that Jesus — the Word — wants me to pass," she said before a group of about 75 Catholic priests, cardinals, archbishops, bishops and lay believers in St. Peter's Basilica. "And I will fight to oppose anything that I believe He would oppose, such as a ban on partial birth abortions."

She said her religious views are drawn directly from her attempts to divine the will of God and not from the word of the Pope.

"The Pope says stuff all the time that I don't agree with," she said. "So I study the issues and talk with my spiritual advisers, such as the Reverend Jeremiah Wright and all the cardinals and bishops who call me all the time, and then I make up my own mind about what Jesus wants me to do.

"And once the word of God comes to me and I proclaim The Word, I believe it is incumbent upon all people everywhere to support The Word. Truth is truth everywhere, and it does not change from place to place or country to country or time to time.

"If Jesus wants me to open up a way for undocumented Mexicans to become full-fledged citizens of the United States, then that's what I'm going to do.

"If Jesus thinks people should be able to smoke marijuana, a plant that God himself planted here on earth for the benefit of mankind, then who am I to prevent people from enjoying the spiritual enlightenment that they can receive from enjoying it?

"If Jesus thinks the government should force the rich to donate charitable contributions to the poor, that's exactly what I'm going to do.

"If Jesus thinks that the only way to save polar bears is to stop people from using coal or oil to heat their houses or fuel their cars, you know what I'm going to do."

"If Jesus thinks we should tax the working middle class to allow poor artists to pursue their craft, well, that choice is easy for me.

"If Jesus thinks we should pass out condoms to middle school kids, I'll be the first one in line, dispensing prophylactics and saying, 'Be careful, children.'

"If Jesus thinks I should oppose wars except when one of his own followers, such as President Barack Obama, is in charge, I don't hesitate.

"You could say my whole life has been spent in furthering the will of the Lord in this world. So don't get jealous if you can't get into my neighborhood up in Heaven. I expect to live in a gated community up there with all the other good people in my party, and I actually look forward to the day when I don't have to lay my eyes on the evil, nefarious Republican followers of Satan that I'm forced to work with every day down here on the earth."

Pelosi said she draws faith from the words of St. Augustine, who wrote that life does not start until the body feels sensation.

"It's St. Augustine and not the Pope and the Supreme Court who tells me what to believe as to when life begins and, therefore, when abortion is right," she said. "Since the body does not feel sensation until birth, abortion is perfectly fine until birth."

Pelosi said Jesus told her that illegal immigrants should not be forced to comply with federal immigration law.

"The Word told me that America should welcome people of all nations and treat them with dignity and respect," she said. "Quotas on the number of people allowed to come here are not Biblical and are, therefore, immoral and illegal.

"We must legalize anybody who swims the Rio Grande or tunnels under a border fence or anybody who pays a coyote to hide in the back of a Walmart truck or anybody who gets a student visa and then works here without documents. These people have a right to stay in America.

"If we're going to deport anybody, it should be the selfish Americans who don't want to pay for the health care, welfare and education of immigrants. They think that they deserve jobs before the poor Mexicans who risk everything to come here to work.

"Some people tell me that we should give priority to the people who are trying to comply with our immigration laws. Well, if you've been waiting in line for years, you don't deserve to come to our country. Those who take the bull by the horns and come here without documents are the type of people who will help America because they get things done. We don't need losers. We need winners. And Jesus told me that America is a land for winners."

Pelosi said she has been deluged by requests from cardinals, preachers, archbishops and bishops to legalize all immigrants.

"I told them I'll do my part if they'll do their part," she said. "They need to preach from the pulpit that it is immoral for America to enforce its immigration law."

Asked why she supports abortion while her church opposes it, Pelosi said that the church eventually will come around to her way of thinking.

"We can't afford to have all these babies born in America," she said. "There just isn't room for millions of babies, and if their mothers don't want them, I see nothing wrong with letting those mothers have a doctor use whatever means are necessary to make sure that baby doesn't come into the world, where it could inconvenience the parents and cost taxpayers money to care for an unwanted person.

"I'm all about dignity and respect, and those mothers who don't want babies get my full respect and dignity. The church must preach from the pulpit that abortion is not only permissible but recommended. The church must change its position that life begins at birth. A fetus has no life and, therefore, has no rights. This must be a basic tenet of the gospel."

Pelosi said she prays to various saints to help her achieve her goal of instituting the word of God in legislation.

"I prayed to St. Joseph the Worker to help me get health care passed," she said. "He gave me an answer, and the answer was that the Christian thing to do would be to make working Americans pay for the health insurance of non-working Americans. St. Joseph did not work for himself but for others. And so I think it is perfectly fine that the government requires people to work for others."

Pelosi said she favors banning guns because her prayers to St. Peter resulted in a vision of American without weapons.

"St. Peter told me that there were no guns in the Bible," she said. "He used a sword to cut off the ear of a Roman soldier who came to arrest Christ, but Jesus rebuked him and healed the soldier. Therefore, it is wrong for people to use violence, even to defend themselves. That is why I am introducing a new constitutional amendment that will invalidate the Second Amendment and make our nation more Christlike. And I am supporting the elimination of all nuclear and conventional weapons, starting with the United States. Eventually I want to see our military forces disbanded so that we can live in peace."

She said that critics of stimulus spending, which caused deficit spending to skyrocket while unemployment continued to rise, are "in league with the devil."

"Some people say we'll run out of money if we keep spending more than we bring in," she said. "Haven't they read about the feeding of the five thousand? Jesus blessed five loaves of bread and two fish, and miraculously there was enough to feed 5,000 people. So I did a little math, and I figured out that if we do as Jesus asks, and borrow $428,387 from the Chinese for each working American, we can pay to feed, educate and house the entire world, and we'll still have enough to pay back the Communists every dollar and then some.

"This same principle applies to the automobile industry. When President Obama announced that big rig trucks would be required to get 52 miles per gallon by 2015, he knew that humans could not accomplish that, but God could. Using the same math that worked just fine in the feeding of the five thousand, I calculated that just one tank of diesel could power 5,000 tractor trailer rigs for about four days. Be patient and have faith. Time will prove me and Jesus right."

Quote of the Day

"In the family I was raised in, love of country, deep love of the Catholic church, and a love of family were the values." — Nancy Pelosi.

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