Reporters losing faith in Obama's divinity, SJP survey shows

by Dusty Storm

July 8, 2013, WASHINGTON, DC — A shocking survey published Sunday indicates almost 20 percent of reporters no longer believe that President Obama is God.

Conducted by the Society of Professional Journalists, the on-line survey of 1,300 major media reporters, editors and broadcasters showed that 19.1 percent have "little or no faith in the divinity of President Obama." SPJ President I.B. Leeve said the result is unexpected because the apostate group Fox News was excluded to prevent skewing of the results.

"I personally think the survey is encouraging," Leeve said, "because President Obama is still deified by the vast majority of the press despite the recent scandals that involve federal spying on news reporters."

NBC maintained its lead in devotion to the president with 94 percent of its employees listing their faith in the divinity of Obama as "moderate," "strong" or "unshakeable."

Chris Matthews of NBC said he still gets tingles in his leg when Obama appears and said other staff members continue to receive various spiritual manifestations of The Messiah's divinity, such as visions, a burning of the bosom and the ability to speak in tongues, including the aboriginal Language of the Forked Tongue.“

Still counted among believers are the identical twins Joe K. and Jess Turr, who co-anchor the Sunday morning ABC News program, "The Good News Gospel Hour."

Producer Sill Lee said the brothers' faith was temporarily shaken by Obama's failure to abide by campaign promises, such as his failure to close Guanatamo Bay, conduct a transparent administration, build the middle class and bankrupt the coal industry, but they eventually realized that the Anointed One had done everything that was inhumanly possible.

New York Times Editor-In-Chief Phil Ossifer said most of his reporters were non-religious before Obama's miraculous appearance on the political scene, but most converted to Obama worship in 2007. One of the earliest converts was Environmental Editor Earl E. Bird, who quickly realized that Obama was the long-awaited Messiah who was sent to save the earth from climate change.

"Obama could have saved the dinosaurs from global warming and the woolly mammoth from global cooling, but he reserved his powers for our generation to save mankind from both problems simultaneously," Bird said. "We've already witnessed a reversal of global warming since the Immaculate Inauguration, preventing New York City from going 20 feet under sea level, and he has helped the northern hemisphere to recover from the record snowstorms of last winter."

CBS News Director Wanda A. Round said faith in Obama among her network's news staff vaccilated until the president was able to kill Osama bin Laden, ending the threat of radical Islamists bent on Jihad. She said virtually all staffers now carry prayer mats and bow themselves toward Washington D.C. during the network's calls to prayer.

Associated Press Director Bull E. Mia said he wanted to vomit after digesting the news that Obama had ordered the Justice Department to spy on AP reporters, but he later realized that only unbelievers were targeted.

"I continue to worship at JournoList services every Sunday," Mia said. "Gathering with other believers strengthens my faith."

Chinese-American media magnate Dao Ting Thomas, who recently bought Chinese News Network (CNN), said most international reporters worship Obama, even those from atheistic countries such as China.

"I'm personally convinced that Obama either is God or speaks for God," he said, "because his foreign policy is just as hard to decipher as the Book of Revelations."

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