Shocking scandal! Romney admits to 'fooling around' before marriage

by Pearl E. Whites

Nov. 11, 2011, Rochester, MI — Former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney, who is known as a straight-laced Mormon, revealed after Wednesday's debate here that he has not always been perfect.

"Before I married Ann, I have to admit I fooled around quite a bit," Romney said. "One time in high school I pretended to throw a snowball at a car, and another time a bunch of us got out of control and toilet papered a house."

The Republican candidate for president said he thought he had repented of his youthful foolishness before he served a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints but continued to make mistakes for which he is now regretful.

"There were two or three times I pretended not to hear my alarm clock at 5:30 in the morning," he said, admitting that once he even missed scripture study.

Romney said he has never committed a sin that could have compromised his membership in his church but hasn't always conformed to the church's strict dietary strictures.

"Everybody knows that Mormons don't drink alcohol, coffee or tea," he said, "but the really strict Mormons take that a step further and won't touch any caffeinated drink. I have to admit I've had a Pepsi now and then."

Despite a rumor that Romney used a cuss word while stuck in traffic at the 2000 Olympics in Salt Lake, the former head of the Salt Lake Olympic committee insists that he has never cussed.

"I wouldn't dare use bad language," he said, "because I don't want to go to heck."

The son of a former presidential candidate, Romney insists that he hasn't always been perfect, pointing to the fact that he once got an A-minus before he graduated first in his class at BYU, tarnishing his perfect grade transcript, finishing with a GPA of 3.97.

"I'm just a regular guy," he said. "If you want to check my police record, I've actually been arrested twice."

Sure enough, it turns out that Romney and his wife-to-be were arrested as high-schoolers after they wrapped towels around blocks of ice and slid down a golf course hill.

"We always arrest people for serious crimes," said Police Sgt. Brown S. Soul. "We don't want people to get the idea that they can get away with this kind of nefarious behavior. Naturally, we don't want to arrest drug users or illegal aliens because we wouldn't make a dent, but we don't have to arrest many ice-blockers to stop most of them dead in their tracks."

Romney also was handcuffed after a park ranger warned him that he would get a ticket if he launched a boat that did not show proper registration marks. After his wife urged him to accept a ticket and pay the fine, Romney launched the boat and was arrested for disorderly conduct.

"Obviously a fine wasn't enough to stop this guy from committing misdemeanors," said Park Ranger Pete Boggs. "I've learned that almost all felons started out on misdemeanors, and I consider it my sacred duty to stop people from turning into felons. So I did the only logical thing, cuffed him, made him do a perp walk in his bathing suit all the way to the police station and taught him a lesson he'll never forget."

Critics say Romney said the charges were dismissed only because Romney was wealthy.

"When he threatened to sue the state for false arrest," said Democratic crime consultant Hayes Seed, "the authorities knew he could follow through. Suspects who can't afford to lose $20,000 to $30,000 to fight a charge all the way through the courts usually just plead guilty. But Romney unfairly used his financial position to take advantage of our judicial system."

Former private investigator and President Obama's current pastor, the Rev. N. Wright Chess, was hired in July to uncover mistakes and crimes committed by Romney in the past 60 years and said he already has a list that fills an entire triple-spaced page.

"People would be shocked at some of the stuff we've found," Chess said. "We've already called the National Enquirer with incontrovertible evidence that Mitt Romney once wore hot pants.

National Enquirer Editor-in-Chief Jay Walker said he interviewed Romney's oldest son, Tagg, who verified the story.

"Tagg said his father wore the hottest pants in the neighborhood one day when he spilled paint thinner on his trousers," Walker said.

N. Wright Chess, chairman of President Obama's reelection committee, said he is holding back some of the juiciest stories on Romney until shortly before the general election next November.

"We're gonna throw out all the stops if Mitt looks like he might beat my boss," Chess said. "I don't want to give many details now, but we have proof that Mitt once ignored a malfunctioning stop light."

Another Republican candidate for president, Texas Gov. Rick Perry, said Romney has an air of invincibility around him that is reminiscent of President Clinton's "Slick Willie" Teflon aura.

"I can't believe Mitt is still leading the polls after I revealed that he once hired a lawn care company that had hired immigrants with fake work visas," he said.

"Even if he didn't know illegal aliens were working on his property, he should have known. I always check the papers of waiters and cooks at every Mexican restaurant I patronize. I won't even get into the drive-through at McDonald's until I examine the visas of every foreign-looking worker there."

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