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Romney winning Catholic vote

Santorum losing focus

Romney wins more delegates than Santorum, Gingrich and Paul combined

Why are Romney's wins spun as losses?

Is the long primary hurting the GOP?

Romney has the best shot to beat Obama

Rush isn't the one who shamed himelf

Americans should not judge Democrats by their actions alone, says ultra-objective Newsweek editor Eleanor Clift: "If you were to judge Democrats solely by their behavior, you might think they believe in absolute and totalitarian rule when they are in power. They can't fool me because I go by what they say and not what they do."

President Obama says he will defend the Constitution by circumventing Congress: "My first responsibility is to fulfill my pledge to fundamentally change America. And second is my duty to help the Muslim brotherwood. So don't be surprised if I send warplanes to Syria without congressional approval."

Commentators see unchanging unemployment figures as a reason to celebrate: "Unemployment stayed at 8.3 percent," Meet the Press moderator Dick Gregory told Rick Santorum on Sunday. "Won't that wonderful news make it virtually impossible to beat President Obama?"

Romney asks for two-man shootout

by Ford E. Forr

March 13, 2012, Deadwood, SD — Republican presidential front runner Mitt "Sharpshooter" Romney today said he wants a two-man shootout between himself and either Newt "The Wild One" Gingrich, Ron "Old Man" Paul or Rick "Dead Eye" Santorum.

"If one of them would drop out," he said, "then we could have an old-fashioned standoff. I have bigger guns, and I tend to shoot straighter, so I don't think it would be much of a contest."

Romney pointed out that he already has picked off more delegates than all three of his competitors combined.

"The other guys complain that I have won more delegates because I have more ammo," he said. "That's because I have more people who believe enough in my conservative policies that they're willing to buy me lots of bullets. The Wild One ran out of ammo until a billionaire gambler gave him a month's supply, and I have more supporters from his own church than Dead Eye. Old Man has some enthusiastic people on his side, but they are opposed to violence."

Skinnyeporter asked Sharpshooter which opponent he would rather face in a two-man shootout.

"Probably Dead Eye," he said. "He can't seem to focus since he has a dead eye and is easily distracted."

Romney said the most logical places for a shootout might be the OK Corral or on the town square in Tombstone, but since he already won the primary vote in Arizona, he would like to face off in a state that has not awarded delegates. He said Deadwood has been under consideration, but the South Dakota primary election is not until June 5.

"I want to wrap up the nomination before then," he said. "I would rather save some ammo for the next shootout with 'Lefty' Obama. Let's just say I'm ready anytime for anybody."

Romney's future Secretary of Defense Baum M. Goode said the former Massachusetts governor is so far ahead of the other Republicans that it is already impossible for them to catch him.

"Nobody else has a chance," he said. "Even though Sharpshooter might lose some battles, he will win the war. In some of the big states that remain, delegates are awarded proportionally, so Sharpshooter will come out on top in the end even if he loses some skirmishes along the way."

The chief tactician in George "Dubya" Bush's two presidential campaigns, Karl "The Architect" Rove, said that Romney will pick up steam if Dead Eye, The Wild One or Old Man drop out.

"If any of them drop out," he said. "a lot of their supporters will switch to Romney, so he'll just get further ahead faster."

Anti-liberal Ann Coulter said Romney is the most conservative Republican vying for president but has been reluctant to respond to pot shots by his opponents to portray him as a moderate because his eye is on the real prize, defeating Lefty in November.

"Sharpshooter Romney will have virtually all the Republicans on his side in the general election," she said, "but he won't be able to take down Lefty Obama without winning the independents and moderate Democrats. So in the end it benefits Romney if the public thinks of him as a moderate."

She said Santorum betrayed conservatives when he endorsed former Democrat and left-leaning Sen. Arlin Specter in his reelection campaign. He also voted with big government liberals for "No Child Left Behind," the "bridge to nowhere," and the unfunded, massive expansion of Medicare into prescription drugs.

Gingrich likes people to think of him as the conservative author of the Contract with America, she said, but many conservative voters can't forget "the ethical violations that drove him out of office, the extra-marital affairs that ended his first two marriages and his siding with former Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi over man-caused global warming."

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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Note: The names of sources often have hidden meanings. Click on links for facts relating to the stories. We strive to answer the question, What would politicians say if they didn't think normal citizens were listening? A skilled observer studies body language and becomes expert at what some call "reading between the lines." We attempt to fill in those lines.

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