Today's Synapses

Registered nurse Estelle Hertz of Connecticut said she is getting used to spending $200 a week for gasoline to travel between the three hospitals where she works. "But every time I fill up," she said, "it still hurts. I feel worse for President Obama. He's the fall guy on gas prices. But as he told us yesterday he has done everything in his power to increase oil drilling in America."

Former winter Olympics silver medalist Bob Suledd says he is endorsing Rick Santorum because he was willing to say he would prefer Obama over Romney: "When a man is willing to sacrifice his political ambitions for his personal animosity toward a fellow Republican, that's the guy I want."

Occupy Wall Street co-founder Mutt N. Head orders followers to celebrate Obamacare Day: "This is the first step toward getting others to pay our bills."

Actor Jason Alexander says he got a laugh out of hearing Romney refer to the character he used to play on Seinfeld: "To think that I could go down in the history books! Wow!"

New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton says after his 2012 suspension, he will do penance by paying players who hit quarterbacks softly: "I lost sight of the fact that everybody in the NFL gets paid big bucks because the public likes to watch quarterbacks make big passes."

China announces it will stop taking organs from donors in prison. "We will take organs only from unwilling prisoners," said People's Prison Director Wong In Sizhon.

Observers say President Obama does a masterful job of convincing a crowd that he has been for increased oil drilling ever since he took office in 2008 while speaking at a campaign event staged in Oklahoma. "Some people say the best predictor of the future is the past," he said. "I reject that premise and ask you now to believe what I say today and not on what I might have said or done in the past," he said. CNN Reporter Anita Sarah Bellum said the president was "enthusiastically applauded by more than 100 supporters," but failed to mention that they were hardhatted students who had been bused from a special education school to replace oil workers who were boycotting the event.

Santorum proclaims that he prefers Obama to a Republican hypocrite

by P.R. Plekst

March 23, 2012, Houston, TX — GOP presidential hopeful Rick Santorum today clarified his comment yesterday that he would prefer Obama to a certain Republican candidate..

"The reason I prefer Barack is that you know what you get," he said. "More deficit spending, higher taxes, judges who legislate from the bench, more regulations, restrictions on oil drilling crony capitalism and larger government. We can deal with that.

"What we can't deal with is a Republican who says he will govern as a conservative but might go with the liberals when politically expedient. We can't deal with a Republican who will back a liberal over a conservative running for the Senate.

"We can't deal with a Republican who said he favors mandated health insurance but then says he won't favor it at the federal level.

"We can't deal with a Republican who goes along with bills he doesn't like just because they are popular.

"We can't handle a Republican who votes against a right to work bill even though he doesn't believe in it because it's the popular thing to do.

"We simply can't vote for a Republican who says he wants higher education for everybody but then publicly trashes opponents for wanting the same thing.

"We don't need a Republican who spends more time attacking other Republicans than Democrats.

"We don't need a Republican who is hypocritical on tort reform.

"We don't a Republican who votes to provide public funding for contraceptives but then says he opposes his own actions.

"We can't handle a Republican who takes a salary for performing his official duties but then won't do what we pay him to do.

"We can't handle a Republican who compares his opponents to Hitler.

"We can't have a Republican who says he opposes stem cell research but then takes money from companies that perform it.

"We don't need a Republican who votes against veteran health care bills and then tries to take credit when it passes.

"We must not vote for a Republican who twists his opponents' words for his own benefit.

"True Republicans won't vote for a Republican who thinks hypocrisy is good.

"We don't want a Republican who uses governmental programs to his benefit while publicly opposing them."

Santorum said there is only one candidate who most closely meets the description of a Republican hypocrite.

"As you evaluate the remaining candidates for president," he said, "I urge you to reject the truly hypocritical Republican. Unfortunately, after some serious soul searching, which has resulted in a new determination to abide by the basic principles of my Catholic faith, including the acceptance of full responsibility for words and actions, confession and heartfelt repentance, I am recommending that voters support anybody besides me."

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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