Clinton calls for arrest of Beck, Limbaugh and Palin on sedition charges.

Obama lists successes: "Michelle didn't even think I could do it."

Alaskans Thank Obama For Saved Jobs

by Bair Lee Verkin
Skinnyreporter.com

WASILLA, Alaska — Vice-President Joe Biden spoke today at a natural ampitheater before a cheering crowd of Alaskans whose jobs he said were "saved or created" by the Obama Administration.

The White House's Council of Economic Advisers had identified all 8,026 Alaskan beneficiaries of the Recovery Act and had transported them to the home town of Biden's former rival, Sarah Palin. Each person was paid $225 to appear at the event with a $50 bonus for carrying signs in support of Biden.

"Nobody here would have a job if it weren't for our great leader, President Barack Obama," Biden said, flashing his famous grin.

The crowd erupted in applause interrupted only by supporters yelling, "He Da Man!" and, "Obama, Obama!" as Secret Service agents lifted signs that said, "Cheer!" and, "Applause."

"You got to admit it," Biden said. "If it wasn't for me and Barack, the stimulus never would have passed. Now America is thriving, and we were able to save or create 2.5 million jobs, which is only 100,000 less than the 2.6 million jobs lost last year."

Governmental figures indicate that the federal government has so far spent $280,000,000,000 ($280 billion) to "save or create" 2.5 million jobs.

"I wish to thank the 43 different federal agencies that made this happen," Biden said. "Simple math shows that it cost taxpayers only $112,000 to save or create each job."

That prompted the first question asked in a Q&A session immediately after Biden's speech.

"If we spent $112,000 to save each job, how come I'm getting only $35,000?" asked female tribal chief Needa Cache, who is paid to recruit middle school childen into the Obama Youth Corps. "Who got the rest of the money?"

Biden started to answer when a carbon dioxide-spewing generator that supplied power to his teleprompter suddenly ran out of irreplaceable fossil fuel. He seemed prepared, however, as he glanced at Magic Marker scribblings on the palm of his right hand.

"Some jobs make more than others," he said. "For example, in my home state, Michigan, we pay $1.7 million to the president of GM, which the government now owns. When one guy gets way over the average, there isn't enough money left over for the rest of you."

Few in the crowd could hear Biden, but those Alaskans within earshot suddenly appeared agitated.

"What about share the wealth?" yelled one man, who later identified himself as Phil Meikar, a former oil field exploration worker who lost his job when Democrats defeated a measure to open the vast ANWR oil deposits but who has since been hired by the government to search through the Wasilla city dump for plastic water bottles.

"What wealth?" Biden asked before aides moved him toward his helicopter, which hovered above the crowd, throwing up a cloud of dust and scattering recently mown grass clippings over the crowd before it disappeared into the clear Alaskan sky, leaving a global-warming contrail in its wake.

Fist fights erupted as word of the disparity in salaries of government-saved jobs spread through the amphitheater. It appeared that at least half of the security force that had been hired to keep the peace at the event joined the melee.

Skinnyreporter.com sent a dozen reporters through the crowd to learn how the stimulus package had saved or created jobs.

"I used to make good money cutting logs until environmentalists got our mill shut down," said one of the officers who joined the riot, Madden Meane, who said he was hired by the U.S. Park Service to control crowds at Bering Land Bridge Natural Preserve. "Now I make only $18,000 a year, but it's good pay for the only three months of the year that people even visit the BLB. The only crowd I've seen so far was when we had to put six families into our five cabins."

Bambi Buttercup, an escort in Juneau, said her job was saved when the federal government used stimulus funds to pay for her psychiatric care and food stamps.

"My job is unbelievably stressful," she said, "The worst part is the Republican mayor here trying to put me out of business. I've had to visit the shrink so much that I couldn't put food on the table without some assistance. Thanks to Obama, I'm still out on the street, which is a good thing in my case."

Former big game outfitter Buck Hunter said his family used to make a good living in the Brooks Range in Alaska's northern frontier.

"Jimmy Carter put me out of business when he banned hunting in 11 million acres up there," Hunter said. "Now absolutely nobody visits the part of the range where we used to go. I'm still mad that one guy can override the wishes of the people with the stroke of a pen. What happened to Democracy?"

The former outfitter said he now works for the National Wildlife Service as an eskimo curlew counter for $21 an hour. He said he worked 160 hours a month in 2009 but has yet to count his first curlew, a bird that most likely went extinct in 1962.

Al Biess, a one-legged half-Aleut who wears dreadlocks and a marijuana leaf earring, said he was thankful for his new government job even though it pays half of what he averaged before the federal government shut down his employer, a gold mining company. He currently works as a decoy in fair housing investigations for the Department of Housing and Urban Development.

"I take a lot of pride in what I do," he said. "I've gotten really good at finding people who discriminate. All I do is wear my dirtiest work clothes and complain about how food stamps won't cover beer, and I can get almost anybody to deny me housing. The minimum fine is $50,000, and my boss said HUD is going to start paying a percentage to decoys, so I see a bright future."

Former commercial fisherman Wade Thoreau, a descendant of the famed New England hermit poet, said he recently switched from netting salmon to educating the public about sea lions.

"The government said I was stealing fish from sea lions," he said, "so they cut off all fishing in my permit zone. I still think it was global warming because sea lions went up in other areas with commercial fishermen. Anyway, President Obama got me a job taking Sally the Sea Lion to public schools all around the state. You wouldn't believe how hard it is to get a full grown sea lion to some of the little towns we visit. Between all the charter flights and all the fish I have to buy for food, the government spends about $7,000 a week on Sally and me, but I think that's a good use of taxpayer dollars, or I would be on unemployment. Uncle Sam also had to pay for the prostheses of two little girls who tried to feed Sally by hand."

Quote of the Day

"I am an ardent believer in the free market." — Barack Obama

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