White House explains Thatcher funeral snub

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Time to update Second Amendment, Obama says

by Gowen Tehel

BOSTON, MA, April 23, 2013 — The Second Amendment of the Constitution must be amended because it has been rendered obsolete by technology and societal change.

That's the message delivered Friday by President Obama as he signed an executive order creating the Bureau of Amendment Development (BAD).

"We must redefine the right to keep and bear arms," he said. "The Founding Fathers didn't intend for people to own semi-automatic guns, compound bows or tasers. I'm not even convinced they wanted ordinary citizens to own single-shot flintlock muskets. And now that all the state militias are actually branches of the U.S. military, there's no need for any language pertaining to militias, either."

BAD Director Moss O. Liam said he already has appointed a search committee to identify qualified experts to serve on BAD advisory committees and to locate and hire BAD employees.

"I have ordered the search committee to consider only those citizens who meet my chief criterion," he said. "They must have enough commonsense to know that nobody needs a weapon that poses a serious risk to others."

Liam said he is open to suggestions that citizens be allowed to keep and bear arms that the Transportation Safety Administration has deemed acceptable in carry-on luggage, such as knives with blades no longer than 2.36 inches, safety pins, boxing gloves and bull whips.

"If box cutters are too dangerous to be carried on airplanes," he said, "they pose an unacceptable risk on land, too. Only registered merchandisers who have passed a background check should be allowed to carry a box cutter."

Many liberal members of Congress, including the New Jersey Democrats Sen. Robert Menendez and Rep. Robert Andrews, have vowed to accept BAD recommendations, but some progressives are taking a surprisingly conservative stance.

"I think people ought to be able to have a double-barrel shotgun," Vice-President Joe Biden said. "My wife needs to be able to fire two blasts from our deck if she hears something suspicious."

Biden admitted that he has taken a commonsense precaution since he recently advised his wife, Jill, to take her antique Purdy shotgun out to her balcony and fire two blasts if she thinks something might be wrong.

"Now if I've had a little too much to drink and I'm going to be home late," he said, "I get a motel room for the night, just for safety's sake. I wouldn't want to be stumbling around outside, trying to find my keys, and then have her blow what is left of my brains out."

Sen. Al Franken (D-MN), a former comedian who is recovering at the famous Mayo Clinic from an 85-year-old woman's vicious knitting needle attack that left him without hearing in one ear, is taking a hard-line approach. At her sentencing the woman admitted she was angry with Franken for voting for Obamacare, which diverted $716 billion from the Medicare trust fund and left her without a doctor.

"Nobody needs any kind of weapon whatsoever," he said, "and that goes for knitting needles, too. The TSA has confiscated hundreds of thousands of darning needles and knitting needles from old ladies, which has prevented an untold number of airliner hijackings.

"Angry senior citizens armed with knitting needles can do an awful lot of damage. They can stab your eyes out, stab you in the throat, pierce your lungs and heart and stab through your eardrums right into your brain. Believe me, that last one doesn't feel too good."

Secretary of State John Kerry is confident the new amendment will clarify that the public has a right to keep and bear arms only through the military.

"Other than our armed forces, the only citizens who should receive permits to carry weapons should be security personnel and police," he said. "But if we outlaw guns, then the outlaws won't have guns, and police won't need them, either. Our policemen and women should carry billy clubs and zip ties only."

Former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton pledged her support for amendment development and vowed that, if she decides to succeed Obama in 2016, she will ask for BAD recommendations on modernizing the First Amendment as well.

"Freedom of the press isn't just about a man with a pen or a printing press anymore," she said. "Even with radio and television we were able to maintain control until about 20 years ago because almost everybody in the media shared our progressive principles and values. But now we have rogue cable news outlets like Fox News, radio talk show hacks, redneck blogs, twitter and Facebook, and they make a big deal out of everything. Nobody used to complain a bit about a president's affairs, but my husband got impeached over it.

"Look how they treated me over Benghazi. The major media did a good job of reporting it was a protest over a YouTube video. But then right-wing extremists started sticking their noses where they don't belong, and I took the fall just because I never read any of Ambassador [Christopher J.] Stevens' requests for more security. It wasn't my fault the guys who overran our embassy in Libya and killed him happened to be associated with Al Qaeda."

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