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Feds: 'Don't count on us to enforce the law'

by Fisher Katt Bate
Skinnyreporter.com

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The federal government will not enforce laws that the Obama Administration does not like, a top-level law enforcement official said today.

Deputy Attorney General Anita Bath said a comprehensive review of federal laws is under way to determine which laws the Administration wants enforced.

"It is unfortunate that John Morton of ICE (Immigration and Customs Enforcement) said Friday that his agency might not process undocumented immigrants turned over by Arizona officials," she said. "We were planning to do exactly what he said, but we didn't want to announce it to the public because of the sensitive nature of this matter.

"For now people should just relax, especially undocumented immigrants. Be assured that this President, unlike previous Presidents, will not enforce laws just because Congress passed them. Any law that President Obama or his cabinet considers unconstitutional, poorly conceived, unfortunate or misguided will not be supported.

"This President will not be swayed by public opinion, court rulings or Congressional dictates. The American people hired him to change America fundamentally, and in order to do that he must act independently and with great courage."

Marshall Law, assistant secretary of the Department of Homeland Security, said the administration will consider the wishes of other countries, particularly Canada and Mexico.

"President Felipe Calderon of Mexico was up here this week precisely to review laws that he does not favor," he said. "He particularly does not like Arizona's new immigration law. Neither he nor President Obama nor my boss Janet Napolitano nor Attorney General Eric Holder nor P.J. Crowley of the State Department have read the Arizona law, but they don't need to because they are judging the law by those who support it, and if the Republicans are for it, President Obama is definitely against it."

Drug Enforcement Administration spokesman Mannheim Stoned said President Obama's decision to stop enforcing laws prohibiting the use of medical marijuana went over so well that the DEA might stop enforcing laws that prohibit the use of natural herbs and plant products, including marijuana, coca leaves and poppies.

"Our surveys indicate that about 27 percent of Americans would support eliminating the laws against natural mood enhancers," he said. "That's approximately the same number of people who are behind the president right now. In fact, we think they're the very same people, so we want to give our constituents what they want."

Justice Department spokesman Sharon Weed said she is writing a memo that stipulates only federal officials may enforce federal laws. She said it is necessary to counteract a Bush-era memo that gave officials the opposite idea.

"Police throughout the country have the idea that they can help us enforce federal laws," she said. "We don't want their help on laws we don't like."

Attorney General Eric Holder said he doesn't like a law prohibiting people from intimidating voters at polling places.

"So long as intimidation is accomplished without requiring actual physical violence," he said, "we're going to allow it, but only if the intimidators represent a minority population. It would be wrong to allow white racists to intimidate black voters."

Dr. Di A. Rhea, director of the new Capital Redistribution of Assessments Plan, said prohibitions against confiscating wealth are unfair to federal officials who wish to spread that wealth.

"We are asking President Obama to declare an executive order that would direct federal law enforcement officers to ignore this outdated component of federal law," she said. ""Legislating and amending the Constitution are unwieldy, and we need changes now, not miles or days down the road."

Other laws that administration officials say they might stop enforcing are Presidential term limits, Freedom of Information laws that force federal officials to reveal information to the media, welfare reform bills that require recipients to work or attend school, and requirements that candidates for high federal offices to be U.S. citizens.

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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