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Obama calls for separation of church and state

by A. Theuss

WASHINGTON, D.C., April 3, 2010 — Citing a desire to abide by the Constitution, the Obama Administration has announced its intentions to call for a complete separation of church and state.

"The First Amendment clearly prohibits the state from promoting religion or morals of any kind," White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs said. "Archaic and out-of-touch beliefs such as those promoted by Christian and Jewish propagandists will not be tolerated."

The Administration has already contracted to have religiously themed artwork removed from federal buildings. The first image slated for removal is a bas-relief on the facade of the Supreme Court Building. It depicts Moses as he holds two tablets containing the Ten Commandments. It will be replaced by a bas-relief depicting Charles Darwin as evolved from a line of primates.

The first ape is a primitive creature that looks remarkably similar to Bonzo, the chimpanzee character made famous by Ronald Reagan. It is followed by an image of Lucy, the oldest humanoid currently known to science, then Australopithecus africanus, Australopithecus robustus, Homo habilis, a Neanderthal, Cro Magnon man, then an image of an upright, hairy ape carrying a cross, followed by Darwin and ending with a stone rendition of a bare-chested President Barack Hussein Obama with a halo engraved above his head, representing the wisest and most advanced Homo sapiens to be discovered to date.

Some Christian groups have objected. Dr. James Dobson, an evangelical minister and founder of the widely discredited Focus on the Family special interest group, said the depiction of Christ as an ape is particularly troubling.

"If we must have a panel showing the evolution of man," Dobson said, "we think President Obama should be shown two or three steps before Jesus."

Also slated for destruction are the oak doors at the entrance to the Supreme Court courtroom, which are engraved with images of the Ten Commandments. They will be replaced by statements made famous by President Obama, including: "White folks' greed runs a world in need," "They cling to guns or religion," "I'll make our government open and transparent," "Justice in all 58 states," and "When you spread the wealth around, it's good for everybody."

A depiction of Moses with the Ten Commandments on the wall inside the Supreme Court will be replaced by an image of a bent-over President Obama carrying a cross inscribed with the words, "my predecessor's mistakes." Hanging by a cord from his neck is a sign reading "Come follow me."

Gibbs said the White House has taken steps to remove offensive religious references from state-sponsored documents and U.S. minted coins. He said United States Attorney General Eric Holder will not contest an appeal by atheists, who had suffered a setback March 11, when the San Francisco-based 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals had ruled in favor of keeping "under God" in the Pledge of Allegiance and "In God We Trust" on U.S. coins.

U.S. Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner said "In God We Trust" will be replaced by a universally loved motto, "Change You Can Believe In."

"Everybody loves this kind of change," Geithner said, jingling money in his pocket as he spoke.

Thom Richard Harry, chief operating officer of the Obama Television Network, said the campaign to eliminate references to God and religion in government will serve the dual purpose of promoting the network and expects increased ad revenue as a result.

"Since the network will make more money, it will then pay more federal taxes, which will help reduce the federal deficit," he said.

Harry scooped the major news media Friday when he revealed the Obama Administration's ambitious plan to renovate Mount Rushmore National Memorial near Keystone, South Dakota. "Abraham Lincoln's face will remain," he announced, "but the other faces will be replaced because they depict tyrants who were racially prejudiced toward the race of our leader. One of these shameful tyrants sired children by his own slaves," Harry said.

The faces will be dynamited by former Taliban warriors who are currently housed at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and who have experience in removing offensive stone sculptures, such as the ancient Buddhas of Bamyan in 2001.

"I'm pleased to reveal that the removed faces at Rushmore will be replaced by those of true heroes," Harry said. "We have used economic stimulus funds to hire sculptors to make 60-foot heads of Barack Obama, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton, the greatest presidents since Lincoln."

Harry said a new face will be added, that of Mao Tse Tung, who was cited as a hero by former White House Communications Director Anita Hill.

"We recognize that the former leader of the People's Republic of China singlehandedly did more to help Mother Earth than any other person in the last 100 years," Hill said. "He did so by tackling the human overpopulation problem head on, overseeing a badly needed reduction of 50 to 70 million."

An executive order to be signed by President Obama on Memorial Day will prohibit the recitation of the Pledge of Allegiance as currently worded. The ban applies in any building that was built or maintained with any federal funding, including public schools and any business or home that has had a mortgage or mortgage insurance provided by Fannie Mae, Freddie Mac or the Small Business Administration.

An unnamed Obama spokeswoman said the administration particularly objects to a modification that was made in 1954, when the words, "under God," were added. She said new wording of the Reformed Pledge of Allegiance has been approved by a bi- partisan committee of 12 celebrity volunteers, including actor and producer Ashton Kutcher, and 12 former Congressmen, including 11 Democrats and one independent. The committee settled on selections taken from Kutcher's 2009 film, "I Pledge," which was shown in August 2009 to children in some public schools.

The film proved to be surprisingly popular among parents, eliciting a strongly positive response of 13 percent. The new pledge begins with "I pledge to be of service to Barack Obama," and contains 27 other pledges from Kutcher's film, including pledges to "make sure that senior citizens have health care," "bring awareness to mental disease," "advance stem cell research," "free the slaves," "use less plastic," "work with UNICEF," "find humor in everything," "pay more in taxes if deemed expedient by my leader," and "be a servant of the president of the United States."

Geithner said the federal government will no longer provide tax relief to religious groups.

"Churches and church-sponsored groups have long enjoyed an unfair advantage when competing with federal agencies," Geithner said. "Therefore, religious groups will no longer be considered non-profit and exempt from federal taxation. We expect states to take similar measures. Donations to charities operated by religious groups are longer tax deductible, while contributions to federal bureaus, such as the Internal Revenue Service, will be fully deductible, regardless of income level. We are working on incentives for charitable contributions to the IRS, such as immunity from audits for our biggest donors to the political parties that support the policies of the president."

Geithner said he expects religious groups to oppose the measure for the same reasons they lobbied to defeat a 2009 Obama proposal that would have eliminated tax deductions for many charitable contributions.

"The old measure would have diverted about $7 billion from religious groups to the federal government," he said. "The new change should have a markedly more positive result. Our economists are predicting that this change alone could divert about $100 billion from religious groups to the federal government, which is definitely a change we can believe in.

"If the states follow suit and remove property tax deductions, the benefit could be multiplied. We have long maintained that it should be the federal government and not the wealthy who decide how charitable contributions should be spent. Seriously, should we allow uneducated and uninformed citizens to send money to overpopulated third world countries when funds are needed here at home to save a company that is too big to fail?"

To comply with the Administration's policy, the Federal Communications Commission has announced that beginning Sept. 1 no religious programming will be permitted on public air waves, including those currently employed by satellite and cable television companies.

"Networks such as BYU TV and the Global Christian Network may continue but only if references to God and religious principles are eliminated," FCC Chairman Julius Genachowski said. "This change reflects a reality that Americans have come to know. Most people know that God isn't about to help us out of the mess that the religious right has left us in. He already had eight years to do it, and how is that working out for you? But we know we can place our trust in Barack Obama, a man who stands behind every word on his teleprompter and a consummate politician who makes exceptions only when polls or conflicting pledges indicate there is an overriding reason to do so." — Skinnyreporter.com

Quote of the Day

"We will fully and ungrudgingly render to Caesar what is Caesar’s. But under no circumstances will we render to Caesar what is God’s." — Robert George, McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence, Princeton University

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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