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Incumbents Shocked
by Irate Voters

by Newt Rawle

SALT LAKE CITY, Utah — Politicians running for re-election this year say they are being ambushed by uneducated voters who are unfairly protesting their records.

Republican Senator Bob Bennett of Utah is typical of incumbent politicians across the country as he faces furious opposition within his own party.

"Voters aren't sophisticated enough to understand that a Senator with 18 years of experience in Washington knows better than they do what is good for them," he said.

"Some people just don't appreciate everything we do for them. We've bailed out their banks, saved their car factories, managed their retirement funds, and picked their charities for them ̵ and when all their taxes weren't enough to pay for everything they want, we were smart enough to compel our citizens to invest in their future by borrowing from Communist China. I would say we've been doing a pretty good job for these ingrates."

Bennett said that when he gets the opportunity to talk one-on-one with voters, he has a 100 percent record in persuading them to keep him in office.

"Give me six hours with anybody," he said, "and I can get them to see things my way. At least that's what they say at the end of my re-education seminars."

The backlash against incumbents has Democrats fearing a loss of their control of Congress in fall elections.

"Voters have short memories," Democrat National Committee Vice-President Faye L. Ure said from her Manhattan office. "It's only been three years since we regained control of Congress, and we're already taking the blame for the way things have been going. Don't people understand that we were heading for 12 percent unemployment and a 12 trillion dollar deficit even if we had not emptied our tax coffers and raised taxes?"

Her counterpart with the Republican National Committee, Harrow N. Adek, blames voter distrust on the Internet.

"It used to be that politicians could run as conservatives and then govern as moderates or even liberals," he said. "Now people check out YouTube or the blogs, and they can see what politicians said when they were candidates. It doesn't allow for much flexibility when our representatives are not allowed to modify their positions or change their stands as they adapt their attitudes and grow accustomed to spending other people's money and mortgaging their futures."

Only one in five Americans trust Washington to do the right thing, according to a new Pew Research Center survey.

"I can't believe people think they know more than us," New York Congressman Mo Raunnick said. "I think the big problem is talk radio. When guys like Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity are constantly hammering us, people tend to believe that we don't know what we're doing.

"I'm here to say we know exactly what we're doing. Look at Social Security, for example. We bring in 15 percent of every working person's income, half paid by the employee and half paid by the employer, and then we get to spend it.

"The public seems happy because they think we're saving their money, investing it in low-risk bonds or something, when actually we've spent it all. Those of us who work at the Capitol exempted ourselves from this system because we're not dumb enough to give the government a no-interest loan with no collateral. We get to invest our retirement funds in stocks and bonds or real estate, so by the time we retire, we're rich.

"Doesn't the public ever wonder why we opted out of the new health insurance system? Now that I'm heading for early retirement, I don't mind saying that voters hear what they want to hear and see what they want to see.

"Look at the Obama Fan Club. They voted for the president because he promised to end the war, lower their taxes, veto earmarks, run a transparent government and close Guantanamo Bay. He hasn't done a single one of those things, but his fans still love him. The idiots who vote deserve what they get."

Disagreeing with that assessment is Republican campaign consultant, Brighton M. Day, who said voters are becoming more educated and, therefore, more conservative.

"The silent majority won't be silent this fall," he said. "They gave Barack Obama the benefit of the doubt, but now they're doubting his benefit. If a politician even appears to agree with even an insignificant part of Obama's radically left-wing agenda, these highly educated voters are throwing them out. We're seeing liberal states turn moderate, and moderate states turn conservative, and conservative states turn even more conservative.

"Our surveys indicate that people are starting to agree with Ronald Reagan that government is the problem, and the solution is not more government.

They don't want government bail-outs, government health care, higher taxes, more government regulations, more red tape and more restrictions on their freedoms."

The tide toward conservatism even has affected politicians who are trying to change elected titles. Florida Governor Charlie Crist, for example, has fallen so far behind Marco Rubio in a Senate race that he bolted the Republican Party to run as an independent.

"Crist's biggest mistake was endorsing Barack Obama's so-called stimulus package," said political columnist Gray T. Ocker. "While conservatives recognized the package as a political power grab and an unprecedented expansion of the federal government on borrowed funds, Crist was convinced that going into debt would solve our financial problems."

Congressman Annum S. Call of California said the chief problem is that voters simply want more than they can afford.

"Over my three terms I've consistently worked hard to give all my constituents everything they wanted," he said. "It used to be that if you brought the bacon home, you would get re-elected. But now people don't seem to appreciate that I brought federal money home to build the Annum S. Call Library, or the Annum S. Call Bridge, the Annum S. Call Dam or even the Annum S. Call Theater. Things have changed, and I'm just behind the eight ball."

Pennsylvania Senator Arlen Specter said the old tactics still seem to be working for him.

"I used to be a Republican until I learned too late that my constituents were serious when they said they didn't want bigger government, higher taxes and more debt," he said. "I might be dumb, but I'm not stupid, so I switched to Democrat. I just brought in $2.5 million in borrowed federal funds to Penn State University, and now I'm up 10 percent in the polls in the Democratic primary."

Congressman B. Hein D'Aytbaul of Louisiana said Fox News is his biggest problem.

"The so-called journalists at Fox are experts at twisting the truth or turning a phrase," he said. "When I voted for the health insurance reform bill, they said Americans who don't buy private insurance will get fined $25,000. Nothing could be further from the truth. You don't have to buy insurance. You can pay a $4,000 penalty instead. You get fined 25 grand only if you refuse to pay the penalty."

Governor Rich Lawe Ure of New Hampshire said voters don't seem to appreciate creativity anymore.

"During the last 16 months it became obvious that we had raised income, property and sales taxes about as high as possible," Ure said. "So I came up with new taxes on MP3 downloads, internet access, text messaging, college tuition, title insurance and Amazon purchases. And despite all that work, I'm down in the polls. My staff and I are trying to come up with some new taxes and fees to see if we can turn things around."

"We're not too worried," Eisa P. Maislieve, an election consultant who works for Democrats, told Skinnyreporter. "Right before the election, we'll uncover new evidence that Republican candidates are racists. And if that doesn't work, we'll bring in extra voters."

Quote of the Day

""Well, I probably shouldn't say this. But I have thought from time to time that I might have helped the country more if I'd stayed a Republican." — Sen. Arlen Specter, Pennsylvania.

Link of the Day

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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