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Ed Schultz just the latest liberal to make a verbal slip

by Doug Hoal

NEW YORK, New York, May 27, 2011 — Liberal MSNBC talk show host Ed Schultz today explained that it was a mere slip of the tongue when he used a misogynistic slur to describe conservative talk show host Laura Ingraham.

"I meant to say she's a talking slat," he said, "because, after beating cancer, she's as thin as a cedar fence. I was so mad at myself that I jumped in my pool without even taking off my wool Gucci suit.

"I was still blow-drying my suit when I called Laura to explain. She graciously thanked me for the kind words and gave me a compliment in return. It was hard to hear, but I'm pretty sure she said I'm the world's best lamb dryer."

Surprising some observers, MSNBC indefinitely suspended the Ed Schultz Show and issued a plea to both of his listeners to watch for his return.

Last month fellow MSNBC host Chris Matthews was allowed to stay on the air after calling former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin a "good-looking $#%@."

"I meant to say Mrs. Palin was good at looking through a slit," Matthews explained. "It was just another way to say she is pretty smart for somebody with such a narrow view. She thought it was funny, and I've been a big fan of hers ever since. She's not just pretty smart; she's pretty and smart."

Earlier this year Schultz called Republicans "&@$#@%&$" for refusing to spend their grandchildren's future savings on government health care but retracted his statement after reading a study that indicated a higher percentage of Democrats are born out of wedlock.

MSNBC brass are not as forgiving when it comes to criticizing a Democrat, however. Network anchor David Shuster was suspended in 2008 for asking radio host Bill Press whether formerly unelected Vice-President Hillary Clinton's daughter, Chelsea was "sort of being pimped out in a weird sort of way" during the Democrat presidential primary campaign. The Clintons refused an apology and said a temporary suspension of the Jewish Shuster was not enough, so he was fired.

"I meant to say the campaign was pumping up Chelsea," Shuster later explained.

When former MSNBC commentator Keith Olbermann called conservative talk show host Rush Limbaugh a &#%$*%# faker, he received a promotion but apologized anyway.

"I meant to call him a muckracker," Olbermann said, "because he does nothing but sling mud at my great leader, Barack Obama. Nobody should address my president with disrespect and disdain."

Olbermann said he has never said anything but the truth about President George W. Bush, whom he respectfully called "Sir" when he calmly described the former president's addled brain and paranoid delusions.

Indiana Republican gubernatorial candidate Carson Rhodes, who played backup point guard for the Pacers before embarking on a career as a Formula One driver, said he was called names after he performed in a rap song video that extolled his conservative values. Incumbent Dee S. Troy, an African American who gave up a career as a demolisher of obsolescent buildings to serve as governor, called Rhodes a thief of black culture and a raping racist. He apologized yesterday, saying he meant to call his opponent a racing rapper, a pacing racer or a rapping Pacer.

Alan Colmes, who paired with Sean Hannity on the "Hannity and Colmes" show before deciding to take his scintillating personality and telegenic looks to his own show, said bold statements are important to draw viewers to television and listeners to radio.

"Still, I didn't mean to call Michelle Bachman a %&$#@ #^&@$," he said. "I meant to call her a witchy boor."

Democrat campaign planner Roman Holladay said Republicans and conservatives should get used to being labeled with colorful words during the 2012 campaign.

"The only way the Democrats can win in 2012 is to get people mad at Republicans," he said. "So we're going to blame Republicans for messing up their health insurance, killing their jobs and taking away too much of their paychecks and giving the money to big banks or sending it overseas. If we can turn up the volume, people might not realize things were going great until Republicans lost control of Congress in 2006.

"Besides, everybody knows Republicans want to starve children, kill off the elderly, kick the poor to the curb, and ruin our environment so they can put more diamonds on their fingers. They deserve to be called right wing $%#&@%$ ..., I mean, white, ringed suckers."

President Obama has been calling for both parties to be more civil in political dialogue and to stop arguing over their differences. But then he slipped up and called potential presidential candidate Mitt Romney a slimey liar.

"I meant to say wiley smiler," the president said. "Mitt is smart, and he has a great smile. It was meant as a compliment."

Reached on a drive between New Hampshire and Iowa, Romney just smiled when asked for a reaction.

"We all make mistakes," he said. "I mean to say what I mean, and I mean to mean what I say. But sometimes I don't mean what I say when I say what I say when I don't mean to say what I say. If I'm mean to say what I mean when I mean what I say, it's better not to say what I mean when I say what I say."

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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