Troops to fight Tea Party terrorists

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Crybaby Boehner tattles

TSA starts internal exams

Obama wants tax hike to cut spending

Whistleblowers threatened

Spending cuts are actually budget increases, Obama asserts

by Poe M. Ryder

Aug. 2, 2011, Washington, D.C.— President Obama today assured federal employees today that spending cuts tied to the debt limit bill are actually spending increases.

"Don't get worried when you hear the term, 'spending cuts,'" the president told representatives of the nation's largest union of federal employees, the Labor Advisory Zonal Yeomen (LAZY). "In Washington we never reduce spending; we just reduce projected spending increases. Even the House spending bill included actual spending increases, so stop worrying. If you're a bureaucrat, your job is safe, and you'll get bigger office budgets."

Obama explained that Democrats and Republicans alike call budget increases by another name — spending cuts — to get public support for deficit spending.

"The mainstream media use the same terminology because they support our plans to grow government, increase spending and raise taxes," he said. "When only Fox News and extremists like Ron Paul refuse to go along, nobody believes them.

Obama said federal employees also should not worry that the latest spending bill does not include a tax increase.

"The Bush tax cuts are due to expire at the end of next year," he said. "Since I'll still be president then, I will veto any bill that keeps tax rates low. People who work in the private sector in this country owe their livelihoods to the federal government, and so their income is rightfully the property of the United States. The economy has set back my plans to redistribute income, but once we spend ourselves back to prosperity, you can be sure we'll get more money from the rich to give to the rest of you."

Sen. Willie Paye Moore (D-RI), chairman of the powerful Senatorial Team Exacting Assets of Labor (STEAL), said his committee will redistribute income based on a simple rule of thumb.

"If you get a monthly check from the federal government, you'll get more money under our rules," he said. "If you pay taxes, you'll pay more."

Rep. B. Leeding Harte (D-CA), chairman of the House Ways to be Mean with Appropriations Committee, said he strongly supports a balanced budget amendment because it will require tax increases.

"Nobody has the heart to cut the budget of any federal program," he said. "Therefore, the only way to balance the budget is to raise taxes. So far we've been unwilling to raise taxes because some people are afraid it could hurt the economy. With a balanced budget amendment there will be no excuse, so anybody who works in the private sector should expect to pay more taxes."

Quote of the Day

"When there's a single thief, it's robbery. When there are a thousand thieves, it's taxation." — Vanya Cohen

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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