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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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Note: The names of sources often have hidden meanings. Click on links for facts relating to the stories. We strive to answer the question, What would politicians say if they didn't think normal citizens were listening? A skilled observer studies body language and becomes expert at what some call "reading between the lines." We attempt to fill in those lines.

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Getting hitched

A man got engaged to his horse,
He thought it was legal, of course,
If Tom can marry
His best friend Harry,
We also should wed and divorce.
--Rich LaRocco

Biden's epiphany

Old Joe said it on "Meet the Press,"
I think it's the time and the place,
For lesbians and gays,
To plan wedding days.
I learned from the show, "Will and Grace."
-Rich LaRocco


On the earth tremor this is my take
That my feelings of calm I could fake
I'd stand outside talking
Until things started rocking
Then I'd freeze in my shoes and just quake
-Craig LaRocco


The aches and pains were a sign
That his back was feeling un fine
So off he went
Crooked and bent
To a doc where he showed him some spine

He gave my poor spine a whack
That chiro who seemed like a hack
I think with a hatchet
His skill I could match it
And out do him as a lumbar jack
Jared LaRocco


A man on a belfry, he fell
And promptly found himself in hell
Where the devil did say
'I can't place you today
But your face, I declare, rings a bell
-Craig LaRocco


Their wuntz wuz a college age nerse
Hoo thawt Inglish wurdz whirra kerse
Sed shee with a cye
All never git bye
Eather spellun or reedun is wurce
-Craig and Rich LaRocco

A Cannibal's Confession

The guilt moved his soul just a smidgen
His life was in need of revision
So he met with a priest
And commenced holy feast
Thus getting a taste for religion
This new gospel taste he could trust
That no more after flesh would he lust
His stomach thus greased
He heaved up the priest
And threw up his hands in disgust
Jared LaRocco

The was an old man from Syria
Who suffered a case of diphtheria
He called for a nurse
Who phoned for a hearse
Because no doctor, she said, will go near ya’
Craig LaRocco


When oil on shore began to stick,
Barack looked hard for butt to kick.
The name of his game
Is who can he blame.
Like oil he is as crude as slick.
— Craig LaRocco

New York Times Advertising Manager Juan Sydud today defended the newspaper's decision to reject an ad opposing Islam while accepting an ad opposing Catholicism: "We are against everything that Catholics stand for. And we're pretty sure Catholics aren't going to bomb our office."

Ted Nugent endorses Romney: "I would prefer a real hunter like Rick Perry, but Governor Romney pledged he will leave my guns alone, so I'm behind him. I will feel a lot better after I take him huntin' so we can whack 'em and stack 'em and kill 'em and grill 'em. For now I'll be happy if he just sends Obama packin'."

MSNBC analyst and pro-abortion advocate Karen Finney is incredulous that women have been voting for Rick Santorum. "This woman vote really hurts me," she said Tuesday. "I can't believe some women don't want the government to make Catholics pay for birth control. It just goes to prove that there are a lot of toothless hillbillies who would rather have a good economy than an abortion."

"We're not bypassing Congress," President Obama said when a swimming pool association complained that Attorney General Eric Holder was exceeding his authority by ordering expensive wheelchair lifts installed in 300,000 public pools. "I'm sure Congress wants people to sue pool owners who don't make it easy for paraplegics and quadraplegics to take a dip with everybody else."

Gingrich apologizes to Romney over abortion claim. "My ad was highly misleading," he said. "I didn't think anybody would notice."

China's Communist Party Head Wi Laik Dah Laz thanks America for stimulus funds that create Chinese jobs.

Gingrich and Santorum are frustrated that their class warfare against Romney isn't working. "They're all millionaires," said Wisconsin cheese factory worker Lynn Burger.

President Obama says he will defend the Constitution by circumventing Congress: "My first responsibility is to fulfill my pledge to fundamentally change America. And second is my duty to help the Muslim brotherwood. So don't be surprised if I send warplanes to Syria without congressional approval."

Gator hunters sue over trademarks they filed for talking funny. "Ya gotta pay if ya wanna say, 'Got Gator?' or ''Tree Breaka."

Grandfather apologizes after being arrested for holding burglar at gunpoint: "I'm sorry I valued my safety and property over the inconvenience of the burglar."

Tom Hanks proud of Obama infomercial: "I want to take over ShamWow next."

"I loved the movie," Sarah Palin said of "Game Change," the new movie that her aides say is a pack of lies and portrays the former Alaska governor as intellectually and emotionally lacking. "Didn't Julianne Moore look pretty in my clothes? It reminds me of the best vacation I ever had. I just wish I could could have gone to all 57 states that President Obama got to visit. Lucky bum!"

Santorum says Drudge is a Mitt cheerleader: "Drudge keeps writing that Mitt has won the latest state," he complained.

"Bill Maher is funnier than Rush Limbaugh, and that's why we didn't complain when Maher called Sarah Palin the c word," says National Organization of Women President Sue Widge.

Volt named European Car of the Year. "I don't know why those stupid Americans won't buy it," said Geneva Auto Show Director I. Mara Gunt.

Obama demonstrates his economic genius: "If we take money from oil companies, I'm pretty sure they'll increase production and reduce the price at the pump."

"Some judges are idiots," said Federal Consumer Protection Administration Deputy Chief Kay Jeebey after a federal judge ruled that she can't make tobacco companies put graphic images of cancer victims on cigarette packs. "It's not against freedom of speech to make people say what we think they should say," she said. "This is a disaster. Now we won't be able to make manufacturers use graphic images of victims on other products. I was really looking forward to seeing heart attack victims on Twinkies and pictures of dead kids on skateboards."

The Obama administration has demonstrated its prowess in creating "green energy" jobs: Federal taxpayers have paid less than $534,000 for each permanent job at the Abound solar cell company — so far.

President Obama says his apology over the accidental burning of desecrated Korans "calmed down" protesters, who later killed four Americans. "My apology saved millions of lives," Obama said. "Just as my economic policies have saved millions of jobs. If I hadn't apologized, Islamic terrorists across the world would have tried to kill every American they could. Now they will be satisfied with just a few thousand."

Rick Santorum concedes Michigan primary but then takes it back: "The polls predicted that I would win, and it was almost a tie. That means it was a monumental disaster for Mitt and a huge victory for me."

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The best way to lose weight is to eat for three days in a row and then skip a day. You can skip a lot farther in a day than you might think.

"I'm so embarrassed," North Carolina Gov. Bev Perdue complained May 11 after only 61 percent of voters in her state passed an amendment outlawing gay marriage. "We look like Mississippi." She later apologized, saying that she meant to say, "We're just as backward as Mississippi and the 30 other states that have voted against sanctioning gay marriage."

Voter ID laws are a bad idea because some illegal immigrants can't afford fake drivers licenses.

Conservative economist Xavier Cash: Will Obama's evolving thoughts lead to a realization that tax-and-spend liberalism is bankrupting us?

Obama on why he decided to come out of the closet on his support for gay marriage: "Why won't the mass media practice 'Don't ask, don't tell?' They just kept asking and asking and asking, and so I had to tell."

If evolution leads to acceptance of same sex marriage, are conservatives considered a lower life form?

Obama: "I support same-sex marriage in case my love for Chris Matthews evolves."

Blogger Jerry Riggs: "Who woulda thunk? A black man and a Mormon will be running against each other for president, and the black man would be the guy whose grandfather was a polygamist and whose dad was a bigamist."

Julia, 10, wanted to make some spending money running a lemonade stand, but the government wanted $100 for a sales tax license, $150 for a food handling permit, $200 for a business license, $45 for a roadside restaurateur permit, a $1 million liability insurance policy, a $20,000 bond, a wall to post notices for equal opportunity employment, OSHA standards, overtime regulation, a $12,000 environmental impact study, a $1,500 engineer's report on the ability of her sign to stand up to a 100 mph wind, a $200 deposit with the state's occupational hazard insurance fund, a $350 advance on unemployment insurance, and a balance statement to ensure that she will be able to pay herself minimum wage.

Obama promises to improve Obamacare, raising age of children covered on parents' insurance plan from 26 to 46.

Obama says he wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth. "It was lead-plated," said obstetrician Dr. Will E. Dye, who said he signed Obama's long-lost birth certificate. "And lead poisoning leads to brain malfunction, which explains why he thinks the way he does."

"Housewife" was one of the most common occupations listed by March donors to the Romney campaign. Homemakers donated $905,000. "I wanted to support Mitt's efforts to stop the Democrats' war on women," said housewife and stay-at-home mother Crystal Snow, who donated two Abe Lincolns.

Upon learning that former U.S. Secretary of Homeland Security Janet Napolitano signed a "stand your ground" bill when she was Arizona governor, Phoenix digitial photographer S. Dee Chip said, "I didn't realize she had done anything that smart."

If Mitt wins the presidency, will Ann Romney say, "For the first time in my life, I'm proud of my country"?

Bill Cosby asks, "What is solved by calling Trayvon Martin's killer a racist?" Florida gun owner Buck Schott answers: "Al Sharpton's and Jesse Jackson's financial problems."

Billionaires sending millions to President Obama's reelection campaign. "I simply can't support the Republicans," said multi-billionaire fruit grower Cherry T. Ball. "They want us to keep too much of our money."

Independent voters praise Vice-President Joe Biden. "I read a lot about both Republicans and Democrats," said voter Leica Lamb. "And yet I never realized that the GOP has a secret policy to ban contraceptives until the vice-president announced it today."

NYT Editor Lyza Anne Phibbs: "The truth about Zimmerman is not fit to print. It doesn't fit our agenda."

Obama sends angry email to California vineyard owner and political blogger Ray Zens, who had reported that the president was angry with the Supremes. "I don't have an issue with Diana Ross," he said.

Supreme Court justices who believe the Obamacare violates the Constitution must be impeached, argues Texas law professor David Dow: "They would be committing the unpardonable judicial sin by reversing a long tradition of ignoring the Tenth Amendment.

Liberals think it's OK to force Catholics to pay for other people's birth control. -- I.C. d'Lyte, American Freedom League.

Obama: "Conservatives think socialism sunk like the Titanic. We're raising the hull and welding the cracks and making it absolutely unsinkable."

Former winter Olympics silver medalist Bob Suledd says he is endorsing Rick Santorum because he was willing to say he would prefer Obama over Romney: "When a man is willing to sacrifice his political positions for his personal animosity toward a fellow Republican, that's the guy I want."

George Soros says there is no difference between the man he supports, President Obama, and the likely Republican nominee, Mitt Romney. Democrat adviser Arson Nick, a former chemist, said Soros is credible and has no ulterior motives.

San Diego Zoo is full of global warming propaganda. Yes, we want to conserve animals, but will shunning bottled water really save gorillas?

You know you're losing it when you can't remember your mnemonics," President Obama says, explaining why he can't recall campaign promises.'

Even if, as recently unearthed docments appear to confirm, President Obama was born in Kenya, that does not mean he is not a natural born citizen of the United States, said Deputy Attorney General Norma Lee Small. "The president's mother was a U.S. citizen, so her child would be a natural born citizen no matter where in the world he was born. How come nobody was complaining when Mitt Romney's father ran for president? He never hid the fact that he was born in Mexico."

New Jersey palm reader May Neeya hopes Supreme Court keeps Obamacare in place. "I need coverage for pre-existing conditions just in case I go crazy before I buy health insurance," she said. "I won't be able to afford the lithium or the pyschiatric help if I'm not covered."

Donald Trump says massive inflation coming: "Buy everything you can now because it will cost more next week."

Liberals have a long history of respecting women, says Ms. Awe Jenny of the Democrat Feminism Outreach Program.

"If Mitt Romney wins the Republican nomination, let's just pipe down about his LDS faith," said megachurch televangelist Juan D. Bapista. "We need to elect enough Republicans to the Senate that we can retire Mormon Harry Reid from his job as president of the Senate."

Obama used to think shutting down an oil pipeline would increase the price of gas. "I know better now," he said. "The longer I've been away from Harvard, the smarter I've become."

Robert DeNiro jokes that America is not ready for a white first lady. Newt Gingrich takes offense. Herman Cain comments: "Lighten up, Newt. Americans don't need to be so uptight."

Rick Santorum says he won't end all pornography: "I just want to ban nudity, vulgarity, obscenity, short skirts and swimming suits."

Santorum admits his tactic to call himself the most conservative candidate while labeling Romney a "Massachusetts moderate" has failed. "I forgot how easy it is nowadays for people to look up how I've changed my positions," Santorum said.

Romney is such a weak frontrunner that he has only a few more delegates than all of his competitors combined, Gingrich says: "If Rick and Ron would drop out, I would be pretty close to sending Mitt back home to Massachusetts or Michigan or Utah or whever he's from."

America wants a president who has learned from his mistakes, says Obama campaign adviser Luke N. Glass: "And my boss has made plenty."

Attorney General Eric Holder says the government must brainwash Americans into hating guns. "If that doesn't work, let's try mass hypnosis," he said.

Obama signs peacetime martial law order: "Congress isn't getting anything done, and so I'm taking charge. We gotta do something about these out-of-control Tea Partiers."

Ayatollah Khomeini praises Obama: "Thanks for keeping the Israelis off our back. What can we do to help keep those warmonger Republicans from deposing you?"

Energy Secretary Steven Chu said Tuesday that he no longer believes gas prices should rise to $8 a gallon. "I used to believe that," he told Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT). "But now that President Obama is running for reelection, I believe the price must go down, or I'll soon be out of a job."

"Mitt is the weakest front runner we've ever had," Newt Gingrich said after Romney padded his lead Tuesday. "Don't waste your vote on him because he's going to lose his big lead when people figure out he's too nice to call Obama names."

The honorary Florida chairman for the Rick Santorum campaign played the religion card Monday as he demanded that Mitt Romney denounce his membership in the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Romney's response: "I will defend to the death the right of bigots to mischaracterize my religion and misquote my scriptures."

The Democrat producers of "Game Change," a movie that portrays Sarah Palin as a bumbling ignoramus when she was the Republican nominee for vice-president, say the movie is accurate. "She didn't even know Alaska was part of the U.S.," said Assistant Executive Libby Rule. "She also thought mammoths were endangered, and when meeting Barack Obama said she had never before seen a black man."

Commentators see unchanging unemployment figures as a reason to celebrate: "Unemployment stayed at 8.3 percent," Meet the Press moderator Dick Gregory told Rick Santorum on Sunday. "Won't that wonderful news make it virtually impossible to beat President Obama?"

China's Communist Party Head Wi Laik Dah Laz thanks America for stimulus funds that create Chinese jobs.

Obama signs Trespass Bill, criminalizing disturbances at presidential campaign stops. "The First Amendment was never meant for people who speak out of turn," he said, "especially when it's my turn."

Feds say $50 light bulbs are affordable for the typical American family. "You can afford one if you skip just one meal a month," said Assistant Energy Secretary Leitz R. Auff. "That's a small price to pay to help President Obama fulfill his promise to lower the sea level."

Health secretary defends confusion over Obamacare costs: "That's above my pay grade."

Energy Secretary Chu: "Higher gas prices don't bother me I don't even own a car."

Carbonite pulls sponsorship of Limbaugh after slut comment but backs shock jock Howard Stern. "Stern's listeners are not easily offended," explains Carbonite PR Director Dee Prest.

Obama PAC manager Knight Ryder to supporters: "We gotta stop running anti-Romney ads, or the GOP will figure out who we want to run against."

Santorum positive after Super Tuesday: "I won three states last night, and Romney won only six. But in the delegate count, which is what really matters, I'm only down 2 to 1."

President Obama says he won't hire his Indonesian boyhood transgender nanny to watch after his children: "I don't want them to question my manhood, let alone my national identity."

Rush Limbaugh apologizes to Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke for calling her a slut and prostitute: "I'm sorry for using insulting word choices," he said. "Next time I will consult a thesaurus before describing a floozy who wants taxpayers to pay for her recreational unmarried sex."

One third of women would swap IQ for larger breasts, a British survey reveals. "Almost 90 percent of women who want the swap already have low IQs," said Dr. Wyatt Hertz, a plastic surgeon who specializes in breast augmentation. "Most were willing to have fatty tissue transferred from their crania to the upper chest — memories for mammaries."

The Koch brothers, who donate to the Tea Party, pump up gasoline prices by increasing the supply, says Obama reelection campaign manager Jim Messina, who learned economics in college by selling University of Montana tee shirts at a loss.

A Democrat congressman from New York is complaining about an a Metro ad that reads, "President Obama wants politicians and bureaucrats to control America's entire medical system. Go to hell Barack." Rep. Hertz Phielings said the ad is disrespectful. "Why the hell are we allowing profanity on public transportation?" he said. "The First Amendment shouldn't apply to criticism of our great leader on public transportation that he pays for."

Sarah Palin said she can't understand why Mitt Romney is getting the Tea Party vote in states such as Pennsylvania and Michigan. "Mitt campaigned for Tea Party candidates like Christine O'Donnell and Nikki Haley," she said, "so I can see why those individual candidates might endorse him, but why would the Tea Party endorse Mitt when Rick Santorum and Newt Gingrich are available? Those guys spent years in Washington, and as part of the Republican establishment, they should be the guys getting the Tea Party endorsement."

"Voters complain too much about my complaints," Rick Santorum complains.

Rush Limbaugh says Democrats fear Rick Santorum, which is why they wouldn't vote for him in Michigan. "You can tell the liberals don't fear Romney because they say they do," Limbaugh said. "That's all the proof I need, and nobody is going to convince me otherwise. Obama's people have been spending millions in negative ads against Romney, which proves they are afraid of Santorum."

Rick Santorum regrets saying he wanted to vomit when he heard JFK's speech on separation of church and state. "Actually, I was only 2 1/2 years old when I heard that speech. Everything in those days used to make me want to vomit, especially Gerber's mashed squash."

Researchers say there's a high correlation between drinking diet soda pop and obesity. What a waste of research funds. Didn't we already know that people don't drink diet unless thay want to lose weight?

Wanda Sykes said Mitt Romney is just like Forrest Gump. Both dropped everything to find a missing girl in trouble, served their communities (Romney by saving the SLC Summer Olympics and straightening out the finances of Massachusetts, refusing to accept a salary in each instance; Gump for mowing the grass for free). Both also attracted crowds of admirers who want to be led through the desert to the promised land. Both are well-traveled, loyal to friends, wealthy and inspirational. Both were generous to a fault. Both once cut long hair (Forrest cut his own after his Moses-like exodus through the Great Basin wilderness). Both keep in shape and love abused girls who have got themselves into trouble. Both are loving fathers and good providers. Both created jobs. Both made decisions that made a lot of money for their partners. And Sykes doesn't think much of either man.

Under conservative governor John Kasich, Ohio's rainy day fund has risen from 89 cents to more than $240 million dollars. If Mitt Romney wins the presidency, do you think he can increase the U.S. rainy day fund from minus $15 trillion to 89 cents?

Here's a multiple choice question on yesterday's test in American Politics 401 at Harvard University. "The Washington Post spent $47,000 to investigation into Mitt Romney's high school and college years and dedicated 11 pages to covering his pranks 47 years ago. How many pages will the Post devote to covering Barack Obama's high school and college misdeeds? A.) Less than 11 pages, B.) Less than one page, C.) Less than one paragraph, D.) Less than one sentence, or E.) Less than one word." The answer is E.

Obama has admitted that the mysterious New York girlfriend in his autobiography is actually a composite. ABC News reporter Nick O. Thyme said she was a composite of plastic, vinyl and latex.

Virtual polygraph operator Izzy Lyon said Nancy Pelosi appears to be deceptive when she says she never knew about waterboarding, despite a CIA official's continued claims that he told her.

Scientists who were hoping that a switch from fossil to alternative fuels would stop global warming are alarmed, says global warming alarmist Haight Meriweather. "Our tests are showing that carbon dioxide is produced when we burned pond algae and chicken manure," he said.

May K. Enzmete, director of Obama's Redistribution and Equalization Department (RED) said the federal government's takeover of private business has not helped the economy or helped to redistribute wealth. "We obviously need to triple or quadruple our efforts," she said. "We need to increase our ownership of the auto, banking and health care industries to 100 percent. And we need to add the oil industry, too."

Obama boasts of another promise kept: "I told you I would bankrupt coal-fired electric generating plants," he said. "Congress won't pass the legislation I want, so I'm using the EPA to do it for me."

Obama's war on women continues as he sends billions of dollars to Islamic extremists who vow to permit wife beating, put women in burqas and ban females in school.

Obama points out his abilities and positive characteristics but is especially proud of his humility.

Obama: "Raising the interest on student loans would lead to a disaster: Students would be forced to study in fields that lead to good jobs."

Obama revises 2013 budget. "I thought of some more people who want money," he said.

Tweeter Larry White has a question for Democrats who said Ann Romney, never having "worked a day in her life" and "never holding a real job," couldn't possibly know how the economy affects women. "Did you ever stop to think a stay-at-home mom with access to media all day might be better informed than a woman obsessed with her job?"

North Korean engineering student Yo Shoiz Dum reveals that his graduating class was happy to see the spectacular failure of a rocket built by his country. "It will be a lot easier to get jobs with the current guys shot.

Obama tells news media to report that he's a centrist, not a liberal: "Everybody is either right or left of me," he said. "I'm the only one in the middle. Look at my budget. It was voted down 414 to 0, which proves I'm centrist."

Texas conservatives would rather die for their country than spend two hours working on a campaign, said Tea Party activist Raz Shafer.

New Orleans police officers convicted of killing unarmed residents in Hurricane Katrina aftermath. "I've never seen justice served so fast," said prosecutor I.B. Sewinn.

Psychiatrist May Niyack: "Liberalism is a personality disorder that results in a tendency to overvalue one's own opinion."

Obama: "I don't concern myself with the stock market. In the war against capitalism, there will be some collateral damage against the middle class who might have stupidly invested in stocks or mutual funds."

Historian Sannet Aryum, labeled a nut by many critics, says the future of America is at stake as the Supreme Court is in position to declare Obamacare unconstitutional.

Obama criticizes Congress for rejecting his budget 414 to 0. "Congress is full of cowards," he said. "None of them is willing to vote for this bill solely for political reasons. If their constituents are against it, they vote against it. Yellow bellies!"

MSNBC host Lawrence O'Donnell upset that some Americans disagree with his attack on George Zimmerman's lawyer: "Nobody should be allowed to post critical comments about me when they don't have all the facts," he said of posts by readers of an article about his attack.Santorum blows his stack again: "The &%$# press is so focused on what I say that they can't seem to report what I mean."

Mitt Romney says if Obama had been in charge when the Wright brothers were inventing the airplane, regulators would have shut them down for dust pollution. Rush Limbaugh's response: "And of course the government would have banned Thomas Edison's light bulb. Oh, by the way, they just did, didn't they? Right now! Yeah."

Santorum says God can work miracles in his campaign but admits, "If he wanted me to win, he probably would have given me Mitt Romney's money."

Dan Rather said he is sick and tired of politicans using cliches, and he's not going to take it anymore.

Rick Santorum says he is "overjoyed" about coming in second in the Illinois primary election. "This proves people believe my message, which is not to believe Governor Romney's message."

Now that New Hampshire lawmakers have killed a bill that would have repealed gay marriage, some residents are planning celebrations. Gay polygamist Boysen Ballou said he and his four husbands are going to throw themselves a bachelor party at a Motel 6 and then spend their honeymoon in a van down by the river.

CNN claims that gas prices aren't as bad as people think: "Filling your tank is cheaper than Sandra Fluke's monthly birth control."

Obama says inexperience will not be an issue in this year's general election. "I am catching up to Sarah Palin in executive experience," he said.

President Obama's psychoanalyst, Romania-born Dr. Skitt Sophrinia, said the president's memory lapses over his past policy stands are due to his inability to remember to take his memory pills.

Obama's oil policy is based on fantasy, says Charles Krauthaummer: "Obama is a dreamer, but his dream is our nightmare."

Rick Santorum said he's willing to bet that Mitt Romney is addicted to gambling: "First he tries to bet $10,000 that Governor Perry was lying about what was in Mitt's book, and now he says he wants to bet me that he's going to be the Republican nominee. I'll bet Gamblers Anonymous could help him."

Rick Santorum, when asked to give facts supporting claims in an attack ad on Mitt Romney: "I might not have proof, but my message is the same R you can't trust Mitt to tell the truth."

Chevy Chase says "Vacation," released in 1983, was based on Mitt Romney's 1982 family trip. "People are kinda confused about that because of the literary license taken by screenwriters," Romney said. "I did not tie my dead aunt on top of the car. It was my dog. And I didn't go skinnydipping with Christie Brinkley in the pool. It was the hot tub. Unfortunately, I did hasten my senile Aunt Millie's inevitable departure from this earth when I forgot about tying her to the bumper."

Click on photo to see larger image

Former Olympic bronze medalist Ray Surr today compared the current Republican primary contest to a mile race: "Right now Mitt is about halfway to the finish line with Santorum and Gingrich trailing by a quarter mile, but he's definitely beatable because there's a chance that a judge could declare him ineligible."

Americans should not judge Democrats by their actions alone, says ultra-objective Newsweek editor Eleanor Clift: "If you were to judge Democrats solely by their behavior, you might think they believe in absolute and totalitarian rule when they are in power. They can't fool me because I go by what they say and not what they do."

Obama's Chief Economic Adviser Noah Klue admits stimulus spending has not improved the economy. "That's why we needed another $194 billion in stimulus spending," he said. "Everybody knows we can't get out of debt until we get into more debt."

Republicans announce new weapon in its war on women as Rep. Michelle Bachmann introduces a bill that would prohibit women from running for office or holding full-time jobs. "This will keep housewives in the kitchen where they belong," the former presidential candidate said.

Santorum said a former alcoholic is the best man to trust not to drink. "I used to be in favor of a federal health insurance mandate, but that was a long time ago. Voters can trust me not to drink from that bottle again."

Obama welcomes rise in unemployment to more than 9 percent: "People who need help from the government tend to vote Democrat. Higher unemployment can only help."

In the event of a loss in November, Obama will file a wrongful termination suit, his attorney says. "I'm preparing the paperwork right now," said Bohn T. Pick, Esq.

Unlike Romney, millionaires Gingrich and Santorum can identify with voters who pump their own gas, Super PAC ads claim.

President Obama says he didn't call Sarah Palin to see how she was doing after Bill Maher called her a MILF because he knew she wasn't a Filipino terrorist.

Santorum says he will beat Romney if Gingrich drops out. Romney said he will win if Gingrich, Santorum and Paul drop out. Obama says he will win if Gingrich, Santorum, Romney and Paul drop out.

"I'm 99 percernt sure I was born in America," Obama said, "but I don't remember anything before elementary school in Indonesia."

Arizona investigators shocked to learn that President Obama's birth certificate is an electronic fake.

Gingrich ecstatic over latest poll: "I'm almost third now!"

Occupy Wall Street protester Redd Haring said he knows who is behind the hoax involving a phony 1% tip on a $133.54 restaurant bill. "Let's just say I've reformatted my MacBook Pro," he said. Rick Santorum is so good at debating that he can persuade supporters to disagree with him, says Ann Coulter.

Newt Gingrich said he has the other Republican presidential candidates "right where he wants them." If I can talk Rick Santorum and Ron Paul into getting out of the race and giving me their delegates, I would need only about 48 delegates to catch up to Romney," he said.

Rick Santorum said Mitt Romney's tax plan is Obama-style class warfare because it raises taxes on the wealthiest Americans. "Mitt is a rich and out-of-touch elite from Massachusetts and can't identify with ordinary folks," Santorum said. "You can't trust guys who have as much money as Mitt. I certainly couldn't afford to make a $10,000 bet like he tried to do because I make only about $17,000 a week."

Even if famous Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona proves that President Obama's U.S. birth certificate is a fake, no federal court will keep Obama from running for reelection, said U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder. "I have instructed all federal judges to throw out any case involving the president," he said. "The Constitution does not address how to challenge the qualifications of a presidential candidate, and so no judge can make a ruling unless the Constitution is amended, and that ain't going to happen with Democrats in c

harge of Washington."

Sen. Rick Santorum says Republicans won't vote for Mitt Romney because he can't identify with common folks. "I made less than $3.7 million in the last four years," Santorum said, "so I'm just a regular guy who has trouble paying my bills just like everybody else. I had to give up my wife's second Cadillac, but Mitt's wife still has hers."

Mitt Romney clarifies his "hair on fire" comment, saying he wouldn't set his hair on fire for any reason, let alone a political one.

Newt Gingrich said he will win the Georgia primary handily because it will be held before his diminishing lead in the polls disappears. "People will forgive me for having mistresses. Most people have thought of having a mistress or being a mistress, and they're willing to vote for somebody who had the courage to actually do it."

Newt Gingrich and Rick Santorum say they would never apologize for the accidental burning of Korans by the U.S. military. "I would never apologize for any inadvertent mistake made by me or any of my associates," Gingrich said. "To apologize for accidents is unconscionable. And even if I'm wrong, I would never apologize for my policy not to apologize."