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Demos: GOP 'Hostage Takers and Terrorists' Won't Raise Taxes

by Lou Czar Sohlz

SACRAMENTO, Calif., Dec. 9, 2010 — Democrats today, angry that GOP lawmakers were refusing to raise federal tax rates, said Republicans are terrorists and hostage takers akin to Al Qaeda suicide bombers.

John Burton, chairman of the California Democrat Party, was incensed at the Obama Administration for compromising with Republican lawmakers to maintain current tax rates for the next two years.

"You don't cut deals with terrorists," he said. "The Republicans are the enemy, and President Obama should have not negotiated with the Republican terrorists."

He praised current Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) and Senate President Harry Reid (D-Nev.) for refusing to compromise.

"We should have stuck to our principles," Pelosi said this morning. "Taxes should go up on rich people, even if it hurts the economy, even if we have to raise taxes on people who make $800 a month, even if tax revenues decline. It's just not fair that Al Qaeda Republicans can keep the Bush tax cuts from expiring just because they got more votes."

Reid said the compromise is particularly disappointing because it could set back the Democrat Party's long-time goal of returning to the marginal tax rates of 1944, when the federal government got 94 percent of everything above $200,000 in personal income.

"My party has been working for decades to make things fair again by keeping people from making too much money," he said. "We are dedicated to reducing the poverty gap, and the only way to do that is to take away people's money because the poor will always have nothing."

President Obama was on the defensive yesterday and lashed back at Democrat critics. He likened the American people to hostages who would have been harmed if he had not agreed to extend current tax rates.

"Anytime tax rates go up on employers," Obama said, "they fire workers, raise prices and cut back on investments. We can't have that in this economy, or the American people would suffer through increased unemployment, inflation and lack of economic growth. So in this case I was willing to negotiate with the terrorists so that the American people wouldn't get blown up by the Great Recession.

"But mark my words, once we can afford to do so, we're going to make the wealthy pay their fair share. The Bush tax cuts got us out of one recession and maybe extending them will get us out of another one, but once this recession ends, we are devoted to compel the non-jobless to give the last full measure of devotion to the government of the people, by the people and for the people."

Mark Engler, writing in the Democrat Party's version of Pravda, the Huffington Post, reprimanded Obama for negotiating with terrorists who threaten to harm hostages because doing so would only encourage the hostage takers to harm more innocents.

"If people have too much money," he said, "they spend it on things. We can't have that in this economy. We already have too many cars and houses that contribute to global warming. We must keep people from spending money, which will keep people from driving to work to jobs they don't currently have, and that in turn will save the polar bears from drowning."

Sen. Robert Menendez (D-N.J.) is another Progressive who compared negotiating with Republicans to negotiating with terrorists.

"At least we kept the Republicans from lowering taxes," he said.  "That could have been disastrous. Almost every time they cut taxes, the economy improves, and they get credit. If the economy improves this time, President Obama will get the credit."

Dr. Sawyer R. Mauff, a Kentucky congressman who initially gained fame when he set a Guinness record for performing 82 amputations in one day at the Lexington (Kentucky) VA Medical Center, said Republican terrorists are keeping up his children at night.

"My kids are grown and married," Mauff said, "but they still wake up screaming with nightmares that Republican terrorists are going to cut off their unemployment benefits. They're deathly afraid of having to take one of those jobs that so far only undocumented immigrants have been willing to do. They've never done any manual labor, and I'm afraid they would never be the same if they were forced to work for a living."

White House Chief Nutritionist Dinah N. Fish said she is fearful that her job will be in jeopardy when Republicans take control of the House of Representatives in January.

"Republicans wanted to starve children and old people the last time we had a Democrat president," she said. "I'm afraid they'll want to starve the president's family, and they'll start by getting rid of his personal nutritionist. I deserve my job because whenever I get him to eat here, he stays away from McDonald's."

Claire Annett, president of the American Musicians Union, said publicly funded symphonies from across the country have been terrorized by Republicans who are threatening to "make orchestras and symphonies pay for themselves."

"The GOP Taliban is clueless," she said. "We could never charge enough in admission fees to cover our costs. We must have public funding in order to keep ticket prices low enough for those who still would rather attend the symphony than watch a movie. If the situation were reversed, I'm sure people would be willing to pay more in taxes to keep movie ticket prices down."

Sy Burnette, who has been President Obama's chief propagandist in persuading Congress to subsidize a nationalized broadband network, said Republics seem perversely focused on cutting the size of government.

"Republicans seem to think that the Internet can get along just fine without the help of government," he said. "Well, I'm here to tell you that not everybody can afford a full data plan or hook their laptop up to broadband. Some people will never be online unless the government pays for it, and that is my goal — to get broadband into every home, whether the home owner can afford it or not."

Budd Light of the American Brewery Association said Republicans have threatened to eliminate rules that prevent competition in the beer industry.

"We refuse to be terrorized by the prospects of having to cut our expenses and our prices just so that some new company can get into our business," he said.

Anchorage dentist Dr. N. Hale Gass, who lost a race for mayor of Wasilla in 1996, said what terrorizes him most is the prospect that a Republican terrorist from Alaska could be elected president of the United States.

"Some people say Sarah Palin's executive experience as mayor and later as governor of the largest state in the union qualifies her to run the entire country," he said. "Even though President Obama has never run so much as a candy store, I would much rather have him running things in our country. Palin is a terrorist. She threatens to increase oil production, lower taxes, reduce the size of the government, give power back to the states and shoot another caribou with her Taliban rifle. I want to save the caribou."

Quote of the Day

""Who will take power in Afghanistan once the Taliban is defeated? I was thinking, how about Al Gore? He's not doing anything, he needs a job, and he's already got the beard." — Jay Leno

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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