Feds expand graphic warnings

Cuts are actually increases

Obama ready to compromise?

Crybaby Boehner tattles

TSA starts internal exams

Obama wants tax hike to cut spending

Obama redeploys troops, vows to defeat Tea Party terrorists

by Wanda Rinn

Aug. 15, 2011, Washington, D.C.— President Obama today announced the redeployment of 110,000 troops from Pakistan, Afghanistan, Iraq and Libya, saying a military buildup is crucial to defeat the war on domestic Tea Party terrorists.

"The Tea Party is our Number One terrorist threat," Obama said. "Even though these domestic terrorists lost a battle over the debt limit, our intelligence sources are convinced that Tea Party cells are growing in number and influence in the tribal regions between the Democratically controlled Eastern seaboard and West Coast. Just as I was able to kill Osama Bin Laden, I vow to defeat these vicious and violent terrorists, beginning with their leader."

The president said chatter intercepted by Department of Homeland Security computers points to a recent change in Tea Party leadership. A tribal warlord who once ruled the ancient lands of the Aleut, Athabascan and Inupiat–-Yupik peoples has recently lost influence to a terrorist chief who represents the occupying forces of terrorists who overthrew the Chippewa, Ojibwe, Dakota and Sioux tribes in the sacred Land of 10,000 Lakes.

Anonymous soures told Skinnyreporter that the new leader, an Amazonian warmonger known by her fanatical followers as Mee Shell-Bok Mann, recently won the support of terrorists who reside in a neighboring tribal region once occupied by five tribes, the Ioway, Missouria, Illini, Dakota Sioux and Otoe. Mann won support after taking part in a traditional drawing of straws to determine leadership of the highly productive maize farmland region.

Meanwhile, two male chiefs are vying each other for leadership of the terrorist organization. Rich Herd Pair Rhee of the Lone Star tribes this week committed his fortune in an attempt to overcome Mit-Rahm Knee, who has strong pockets of influence among the Massachusetts, Michigan and Ute tribes and appears poised to take control of the entire interior wilderness.

Rep. E. Rash Annel (D-NY) said Monday the Tea Party proved it was a terrorist organization when it held Democratic negotiators hostage over its refusal to raise taxes.

"You can't negotiate with terrorists," he said. "The Tea Party refused to compromise over tax increases, even though we offered to increase spending and raise the debt limit. They were holding the whole country hostage. Fortunately, we had enough Republicans on our side that we were able to raise the debt limit just in time to get a lower bond rating. And we are still free to raise taxes."

In the days after the debt limit agreement was reached, the stock market experienced one of the worst crashes in the past 100 years, but Democrats said there was no connection.

"The Japanese tsunami is the real reason for our economic woes," said Obama's chief economic adviser, Mellon Collie. "The uprisings in the Middle East haven't helped, either. It's high time we did something to counter these devastating events on our job market, such as to seize money that millionaires don't need and distribute it to the banks and other large companies that are too big to fail."

The Joint Chiefs of Staff in a joint statement called Monday for spending increases to improve military readiness as observers worldwide brace for a war with Tea Party terrorists.

"We have already embarked on training exercises at Fort Knox to prepare forces for war with the Tea Party terrorists," Five Star General Pug Nayshes said Monday.

He said the Patriot Act is necessary to allow waterboarding of Tea Party leaders, a technique deemed necessary by the oxymoronic Central Intelligence Agency to extract terrorists' secrets, such as how they managed to gain control of the House of Representatives in 2010.

Fable of the Day

Last week I purchased a burger for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2, and I gave her a nickel and three pennies in change. She stood there, confused. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this? Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s.

1. Teaching Math In 1950s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980s

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990s

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)

6. Teaching Math In 2011

Un hombre vende una carretada de madera por $100. El costo de su trabajo son $80. Cuánto dinero se ganó el hombre?

Contributed by Dave Chadwick

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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