Let's fire CEOs who fire workers

Obama expands pre-crime plan

'Food stamps stimulate economy'

Whitman's maid gets immunity

Time to legalize polygamy

Grandma voter arrested

Holder: 'O'Donnell is a disaster'

Obama bans gold ownership

Virtual polygraph on Obama

The true federal deficit

Obama to decide on Israel someday

Gore: Now it's global cooling

FTC to control journalism

Ted Turner: 'God's message'

Ahmadinejad wins Nobel Prize

Ted Turner: 'Oil leak is a message from God'

by Heidi Clare
Skinnyreporter.com

ATLANTA, Georgia — Media mogul and environmentalist Ted Turner said today the Deepwater Horizon oil leak is a message from God, who does not want humans to tap into oil.

"The Lord wants us to use solar power, wind power and horse power," Turner said. "He doesn't want us to use fossil fuels."

The Mouth of the South, who once called Christianity a "religion for losers," said it took God more than 65 million years to make oil and coal, and he doesn't want it wasted in fueling automobiles, jetliners and diesel tractor-trailer rigs or in generating electricity.

"God invested a lot of time putting coal in the mountains and oil under the ground," Turner said. "He is not very happy when we knock the tops of the mountains off and steal the coal. He would rather have us tap into the power of the sun."

Turner said agents of Satan allowed the United States to rely on coal and oil for its energy needs with 99.8 percent of automobiles and more than 85 percent of homes heated or cooled by fossil fuels, such as coal, natural gas or fuel oil, or by electricity produced by coal-fired generation plants.

"Our big problem is that we humans move around too much and we want too many things that have to be moved to where we live," he said. "If you want to see the extent of the problem, just go to any restaurant. In just one place you'll find coffee from Colombia, bananas from Brazil, salmon from Alaska, chicken from Arkansas, salt from Utah and curry from India. All those things had to be moved by internal combustion engines that use fossil fuels.

"If God wanted us to eat bananas, he would have planted them in Nebraska. God wants us to stay home more, ride bicycles to work, and eat food that we can grow at home."

Senator John Kerry, who barely lost a presidential election to George W. Bush, agrees with Turner.

"God wants us to catch up with China and India," he said today on ABC's "This Week" program. "Billions of Indians and Chinese utilize bicycles and human-powered taxis. They are not sinning the way we are by using up the Lord's resources and heating up the globe at the same time."

Kerry said America has fallen "way behind" India and China, which has built more significant oil refineries in the past 10 years than the U.S. has buiilt in more than 30 years.

"They have developed a superior system of transportation in India," he said. "The Indians walk and run a lot, and if they need to ride, they use bicycles or rickshaws. If they need to get places fast, they take little motorbikes. We need to emulate them."

He said China has bolted ahead of the United States in the percentage of households heated by burning wood.

"While we Americans are burning irreplaceable resources, such as natural gas, coal and oil, the Chinese are using renewable resources that God has provided for the benefit of mankind, such as firewood," he said. "Chinese families don't waste money with central heating. They heat only the rooms they are using. They are kilometers ahead of us in efficient employment of resources."

Russell Leaves, founder of Foresters Advocating God, said the Creator made trees for mankind to use in home and furniture and to heat themselves.

"If God wanted us to use oil, he would have placed it near the surface," he said. "Now he is punishing us for inventing so many ways to use oil. Just look around your house, and just about everything you see is made at least partly from oil -- the paint on your walls, your shingles, plastics, your furniture fabric, your TV, your radio, almost everything."

The director of Fundamentalists In Bible Studies (FIBS), Adam Zapel, said God is re-creating the ancient practice of animal sacrifice by allowing Gulf oil slicks to kill millions of fish, shrimp, sea turtles and sea birds.

"These animals are scapegoats for our sins," Zapel said. "But to accept this atonement, we must stop using oil. Stop driving, stop taking hot baths, stop lighting your house after sunset, stop artificially heating or cooling your house, and stop using plastics and artificial fibers. God would rather have you naked and hungry than have you steal oil from Mother Earth."

Asked why God would allow 11 workers to die in the Deepwater Horizon explosion, Zapel said God must have needed oil field workers in heaven.

"I doubt they use solar-powered road graders to make streets paved with gold," he said.

Now that divine intervention has caused the oil leak, believers must now pray that He ends the environmental catastrophe, ministers said in church services today.

"God is bigger than this oil spill," said Reverend Jack Kale of United Methodist Church. "Our Lord is bigger than the universe, which makes this oil spill smaller than a speck of dust on an elephant. It is time for us to come together and pray for God to brush off that speck."

Quote of the Day

“As the temperature drops, the need for heating oil goes up.” — Sen. Christopher Dodd.

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Anger

by Craig LaRocco

I'll rip you with my verbal grenades

My spoken and biting degrades

As I rave and I rant

Stay with me, you can’t

Because I’m a jack of all tirades

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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