Obama agrees to return Texas to Mexico

by Call M. Ryder

WASHINGTON, D.C., May 21, 2011 — President Obama today surprised many in his own party by agreeing to a demand by Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu of Israel to return Texas to Mexico.

"I expect Bibi to return my gesture of good faith and return all territories that his country took over after the 1967 war," the president said. "Now that he sees America is willing to give up territories gained by violence, I'm confident the prime minister will give up the Gaza Strip and the West Bank and other ground that his country grabbed in the Arab-Israeli War."

Netanyahu seemed pleased when told that Obama had signed an executive order that decreed the Republic of Texas to be territory under the control of Estados Unidos Mexicanos, the official name of Mexico.

"We gladly accept the return of our lost property," said Mexico's ambassador to the U.S., Juan Las Alande. "Texas was stolen from us in 1835 after undocumented white immigrants kidnapped our country's president and forced him to sign over the territory. Our first order of business will be to require all non-Hispanic Texans to move out of Mexico."

Las Alande said he hopes that by the end of 2011 Obama will abide by a promise to turn over other territories lost by Mexico, including California, Arizona, Utah, Nevada and New Mexico.

Recent developments gave hope to the group, Aborigines United To Inverse Settler Misappropriations, which issued a statement calling for the return of 50 states to Native American tribes.

AUTISM Director Telling Bull, a Sioux chief who is Sitting Bull's great-great grandson, said aborigines demand the return of all lands that were taken from them by European settlers.

"Our demand is reasonable," Bull said. "President Obama wants Israel to shrink from its post-war width of 45 miles to its pre-war width of five miles. It's only fair that all non-native Americans agree to return to the only territory they purchased from us, Manhattan, which is a little more than 13 miles long and two miles wide."

Netanyahu said he will gladly give the Gaza Strip and the Golan Heights to Palestinians once the United States agrees to return all lands that it took from native tribes.

Political leaders in Utah said they will fight any effort to return the Beehive State to Mexico.

"Spain sent a priest, Padre Escalante, on a long hike up here, where he scratched his name on a rock and carved it in a tree," State Senator Moore Mann said. "That's simply not enough to claim the territory for his country. Spain took over Mexico by killing millions of Indians, so we demand that hispanics in Mexico return all of their lands to the Indians before we give up our claim to Utah."

Texas State Archeologist Dave E. Kraukitt said efforts should be made to return land to its rightful owners, not the Indian tribes who won territories through battles with other tribes.

"Archeological evidence indicates that most Indian tribes who occupied land when the pilgrims landed on Plymouth rock were themselves illegal occupants who killed or drove out the rightful owners," he said.

"In fact, all the earliest inhabitants of North America were not Indians but people who were either Caucasians or had Caucasoid features. In the interest of fairness, evicting Indians from their reservations and giving the land to Caucasians might be the right thing to do."

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