Arizona investigators shocked to learn that President Obama's birth certificate is an electronic fake.
"I'm 99 percernt sure I was born in America," Obama said, "but I don't remember anything before elementary school in Indonesia."
Trump detectives give up search for Obama birth certificate
by Burr Thurgood
HONOLULU, Hawaii, April 20, 2011 — Private investigators hired by potential presidential candidate Donald Trump have given up their search for President Obama's birth certificate.
"I wanted to prove that our president was born in the U.S.," Trump said, "but even the ex-mafia and ex-CIA guys I hired can't seem to get the job done."
He said his investigators had cultivated moles "through the entire government of Hawaii," but they imparted no useful information.
"Everyone has seen the so-called certificate of live birth that was printed in 2007 or 2008, but that is not the real, original birth certificate. That's the one we can't seem to find," N.E. Ware, Trump's lead investigator, told David Gregory on Sunday's "Meet the Press."
"Well, it obviously exists, or we wouldn't have elected Obama as our great leader, would we?" Gregory asked.
Ware said the original birth certificate that Trump demands either "never existed or was destroyed or stolen."
"If Obama were born in Hawaii, the hospital would have generated a birth certificate and would have had the doctor and at least one of the parents sign it," said emeritus state historian, T. Parr Teare of Honolulu. "The short form indicates that somebody once saw that certificate, but nobody can find the real birth certificate, not even the governor of Hawaii. We can't find any witnesses who saw that original document."
Obama's new pastor, Y.T. Aider, an ordained minister of the United Baptists for Social Justice, said proof is unnecessary.
"People don't need proof to believe in God," he said. "They shouldn't need proof to believe that President Obama was born in Hawaii, either."
Aider said he teaches his flock, including his most famous parishioner, to rely on gut feelings and faith in forming all their beliefs.
"How do you think President Obama gained such a strong sense of conviction that wealth redistribution can make society fair?" he asked rhetorically. "And why do you think he has a testimony that humans driving cars are causing the polar ice caps to melt and polars bears to drown?".
Mike Raffone, an investigative reporter for KHNL, the NBC affiliate in Hawaii, said Obama has spent a fortune in an effort to keep people from seeing his records, including his medical records, grade school transcripts, law school transcripts, passport records, and his selective service records.
"I haven't figured out how much he has spent because it's a state secret," he said. "It's probably between $800,000 to $2 million. It makes me wonder what is hidden in his records. Maybe he got really bad grades. Maybe somebody gave him a fake Social Security card."
Hawaiian officials have given a number of contradictory statements regarding the birth controversy. Officials have said the original birth certificate exists in state archives but can't be found, while others reportedly have said birth certificates are destroyed after digital copies are made. Other officials have stated that no long form birth certificates were issued in 1961, the year of Obama's birth, but citizens have produced such certificates for children born the day after Obama's birth. Another former Hawaiian elections clerk has signed an affidavit that he was told no hospital-generated certificate of Obama's birth could be found by state officials.
Trump's chief political advisor, Anna Prentice, said further searching not only would be fruitless but also would benefit Obama's efforts to win a second term.
Meanwhile, Hawaiian officials, in response to Trump's efforts to find a genuine birth certificate, have changed their policy and will no longer issue digital copies of birth certificates, only so-called short form certificates, which certifies that an unknown source once certified that an original certificate actually exists.
State Treasurer Paula Ticks said the decision is consistent with a simultaneous change in the way state tax refunds are issued.
"We will no longer send checks to citizens," he said. "Instead, we will send them a bank statement that shows we have their money."
Obama's half-sister, Maya Soetoro-Ng, said Trump is lying because the billionaire wants to see more proof of her brother's citizenship.
"There is a tremendous amount of proof," she said. "An anonymous Hawaiian official has said he or she has seen Barry's birth certificate. My brother has no obligation to release his private information to anybody."
Obama's former preacher, the Rev. Jeremiah "Nevva" Wright, said Obama is not a natural-born citizen but is the result of an immaculate conception.
"He is the modern day Messiah," Wright said.
Dolly Lamb, director of the federal Genetic Applied Science Program (GASP) said Obama has spent private, campaign and taxpayer funds to prevent release of his birth certificate because he is actually a clone.
"Long before we produced the first clone in England," she said, "we had a lab on Oahu, and President Obama was our first success. He has tried to keep this a secret because a clone is not natural born. If he has a successful presidency, we have 16 other two-celled clones of him that we could grow into babies."
Yet a former passport authority in Hawaii, Ella Jetta Mitt, said she knows the real reason Obama has fought all efforts to release the long-form certificate.
"A co-worker saw the original certificate before I quit last year," she said. "And his father was not Barack Obama Sr. but was actually Montgomery Ward, a mailman who met his mother while delivering catalogs."
Meanwhile, Notre Dame professor Charles Rice said Obama's eligibility to run for President might prove to be the greatest fraud ever perpetrated.
Democratic National Committee Chairwoman Anita Parton said questions over Obama's eligibility are moot because he already has been elected.
"People don't care whether President Obama was born in Hawaii, Kenya or Indonesia," she said. "He is the person voters wanted, and so he deserves to be president.
Actress Whoopee Goldberg said birthers are too stupid to understand that lack of evidence is tantamount to proof.
"Everybody knows that President Obama was born here in America," she said. "Otherwise, he couldn't have gotten a drivers license or run for the Senate. That's the only proof smart people need. White Republican racists are the only people who are stupid enough that they need more proof than that."
Television and radio talk show host Sean Hannity, an ardent conservative, said he believes Obama was probably born in Hawaii because newspaper clippings from 1961 contained announcements of his birth.
"What bothers me is why he is fighting release of all of his records when he ran on the lie that he would be transparent as president. He has been about as transparent as tin foil."
Former Harvard classmate Pepe Roni, a Mexican-Italian exchange student who now sells pizza ingredients to Little Caesar's franchises, said Obama admitted to him 30 years ago that he was an undocumented immigrant.
"Why do you think he fights so hard to give illegal aliens a pathway for citizenship?" he asked.
Meanwhile, many other theories exist. Some say Obama is fighting discloure of his birth records because he is the result of artificial insemination.
Skinnyreporter had to travel to Antarctica as the days begin to shorten on the darkest and coldest continent to talk with the world's foremost AI expert. He was shivering on an iceberg, trying to inseminate a female emperor's penguin. "Nobody knows Obama's real daddy," said frozen Nye Trojan, "so he is not a natural born person, even if he is a citizen."
Right to Life President Baye B. Savor said Obama is a survivor of a botched abortion, such as famous Christian speaker Gianna Jessen.
"Obama is lucky that he survived," Savor said. "Giana's attempted abortion resulted in cerebral palsy, while Obama suffered damage to the left half of his cerebrum, which is necessary to process logic, particularly the ability to differentiate between observable facts and political correctness."
Still others believe that Obama was born in Kenya or Indonesia, where he was adopted and taken immediately to Hawaii, where false birth records were created.
A believer in the adoption theory, A.J. Octavius, said Obama wasn't the first adoptee to become the leader of a nation, but he was the first who found it necessary to hide his false birth certificate.
"Some of the Roman emperors and kings were adopted," he said, "even Caesar, who was emperor during Christ's lifetime. But it was legal, and everybody knew it."
The president of the National Coalition for Compromise, Olive Branch, said the truth is usually simple.
"I think it's pretty obvious that the goverment just lost President Obama's birth certificate," she said. "He didn't get the best grades in school and doesn't want people to know that he benefited from Affirmative Action quotas. A lot of his records show conflicts between his name and adopted name, his religion, his parents, and his sponsors, and it's just a lot easier to hide all that stuff. It's time that America forgot about this whole thing. To quote a famous King, 'Can we all get along?'"
Quote of the Day
"If you want to protect vital national security secrets from WikiLeaks, just put them in the same vault as Obama's birth certificate." — Mike Huckabee