Airline travelers: Swallow a camera or have a quick colonoscopyby A.E. Wahn
July 9, 2011, Washington, D.C.— It did not take the Transportation Safety Administration long to respond to the newest threat: — bombs surgically implanted inside suicide bombers. Randomly chosen airline travelers today are being required to swallow tiny cameras, submit to a quick colonoscopy, or lie on a conveyor belt that carries them through a baggage X-ray machine.
"Travelers who refuse to submit to a full-body X-ray scan have three options," TSA Security Chief Nat E. Ruhlz said. "They can climb onto the X-ray conveyor immediately behind their carry-on luggage; they can swallow a pill-size internal camera after placing a $723 deposit for its safe return; or they can submit to a colonoscopy after signing a liability release absolving the TSA of responsibility in case of accidental intestinal punctures."
Ruhlz said travelers who refuse to undergo thorough testing will not be released into general society because allowing potential bombers into the general community could threaten the lives of non-travelers.
TSA Director of Attorney Services Schuh Baumer said refusal to undergo security testing is prima facie evidence of making a terroristic threat, similar to the refusal of a drunk driving suspect to give a breath or blood sample.
"If you don't allow us to test you, you'll be a convicted terrorist," Baumer said. "After serving five years in a federal penitentiary, you will be permanently placed on a the no-fly list, meaning you cannot travel to any foreign country with the exception of New Mexico."
TSA Facilities Director May Kitt Weider said most customers are choosing to be X-rayed along with their luggage, but with obesity rates of more than 30 percent, many travelers simply cannot fit through the machines.
"We have engineers and metal fabricators working hard at altering luggage X-rays at 163 airports as we speak," she said. "The first time I saw a 350-pound woman try to go through the carry-on X-ray at LAX, I instantly knew the solution: Make it wider."
Federal Political Correctness Compliance Officer Tom Phule assured the public that TSA officers will not target travelers on the basis of their race, nationality, religion or any other factor protected by anti-discrimination statutes.
"If you're a young Muslim male from the Middle East," he said, "you can travel in confidence because we won't subject you to any more surveillance than anybody else.
"We have learned to expect the next terroristic act to come from the least expected place. That's why we're placing special emphasis on checking out white ladies, toddlers and infants.
"That cute little baby in front of you very well might be carrying a bomb disguised as an infant's pacemaker. This morning we interdicted a Katy Perry lookalike who had been fitted with an IED rather than an IUD."
The newest threat was announced by the TSA's new threat assessment officer, Redd A. Lurt, who just retired as an explosive ordnance disposal specialist in the U.S. Army. He said emails found on thumb drives sewn into Osama Bin Laden's robes revealed Al Qaeda's plans to persuade elderly Caucasian women to carry internal methane bombs onto airliners.
"We've already been intercepting suspiciously lumpy diapers," he said. "Now we're going to use colonoscopes to look for explosive gases."
Perceptive Quote of the Day
"Only two things are infinite ̵ the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." — Albert Einstein
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