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Tuesday vote stuns surprised news media

by Kent C. Well

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Major news media representatives say they are stunned by the surprising results of Tuesday's primary elections as voters rejected candidates who have supported unpopular causes.

"I am surprised that my favorite candidates lost," said Gray T. Leeder, news director of CBS (Conservative Bashing System). "My guys helped us win our greatest victories — President Obama's health insurance mandate, the big bank bailout, the stimulus package, and the biggest federal expansion in more than half a century — so I can't understand why people aren't rewarding them. In context my reporters are perplexed and vexed. Or so they text."

Leeder's counterpart at NBC (News Butcher Corporation), Tom F. Ullery, said he is surprised that his news analysts were surprised again.

"They have been surprised time and time again in the past year or so," he said. "Lately it seems as though they're stunned by every bit of bad economic news. They're amazed the stimulus bill didn't work. They're flabbergasted that people want to repeal health insurance reform. They're astounded that people support Arizona's immigration bill. They're bewildered that Americans don't want to bail out big banks. Now they're dumbfounded that voters are throwing out the politicians. I can't understand why our viewers don't believe us anymore."

Allison Wanda Land, news bureau chief for ABC (American Belittlement Company), blamed an ignorant, apathetic public.

"We do our best to educate the public about which issues to support," she said, "but they increasingly are ignoring us. Either that or they don't care. Can't they see how President Obama knows best how to spend their future earnings? Now it seems as though anybody who is supporting the President is getting the ax."

Pennsylvania voters ended Senator Arlen Specter's 30-year career after he supported all of President Obama's major causes in the past year.

"It's not my voting record that caused me to lose the career I deserve to keep,"  Specter said. "It's the Tea Party. These looney people are driving people like me from government. We have all these great ideas, and they just continue to reject them. Don't they see that raising taxes is the way to go? We need to raise taxes to grow the kind of government that can solve all their problems. At least I can leave with my head held high. I'm proud that I switched to the Democrat Party and helped President Obama.

“If we’re not careful, if you don’t field the strongest candidate — frankly, like Arlen Specter , they’re going to take over. Beating the tea party gang is more important than who does the beating.

"They want to go back to the gold standard. It would be an 18th-century America.”

Tea Party representative Emma Royds said Specter continues to demonstrate his cluelessness.

"The Tea Party isn't even a political party," she said. "We're just a bunch of concerned citizens who are sick and tired of seeing the federal government get bigger and bigger and more and more liberal with our money. We don't have caucuses, we don't have primaries. We're both Democrats and Republicans who want responsible government and a healthy economy.

"And I have no idea what Specter is talking about with the gold standard. If he means that we don't want the government to go so far into debt that our children and even our grandchildren can't pay it off, maybe it's time to scale back federal spending."

Rhoda Booke, author of "Why Politicians Get Out of Touch," said Specter was on the wrong side of issue after issue.

"He came down on the side of big government and higher taxes almost every time," she said. "Most American's don't want that and that's especially true of Republicans. That's why Specter switched to the Democrats last year. I'm glad to see that even the Democrats saw through his ruse."

Democrat insider Bacchus Stauber said candidates from his party can still win if they renounce ties to President Obama's most socialist or liberal policies.

"Mark Critz won the late John Murtha's congressional seat in Pennsylvania," he said, "because he said he would have voted against ObamaCare and the climate change bills."

Joe Keane of the Society of Informed Conservative Knowledge (SICK) said Critz's victory was not surprising in a district that has two registered Democrats for every registered Republican.

"Critz would have lost if he had not distanced himself from President Obama," Keane said.

Opthamologist Rand Paul won the Republican primary in Kentucky over Secretary of State Trey Grayson by 59 percent to 41 percent. Grayson was supported by the most powerful Republican in Washington, Senator Mitch McConnell.

I have a message," Paul said in a victory speech. "a message from the Tea Party, a message that is loud and clear and does not mince words. We have come to take our government back.

“It cannot be overstated that people want something new; they don’t want the same old, same old politicians. They think the system is broken and needs new blood.”

That talk reminded observers who saw Senator Bob Bennett of Utah ousted in state caucus voting earlier in the month. Bennett blamed conservative voters who didn't like his vote to bail out "banks that were too big to fail" or his sponsoring of a health care reform bill that required citizens to buy private health insurance.

"Even some so-called conservatives find it easy to spend other people's money when they win office," said Republican insider Darryl B. Moreticome. "Fewer and fewer people want candidates who vote for bigger government, which necessarily involves higher taxes. Citizens nowadays want local control, and they are sick and tired of having the federal government take more and more of their money."

Moreticome pointed out that Democrat congressmen Tim Holden, Larry Kissell and Heath Shuler all voted against the federal health insurance mandate and won their primaries easily.

"Even President Obama tried to present himself as a conservative in the presidential election," Moreticome said. "He fooled a lot of people even though the talk show folks were out there trying to show how radically left-wing he really was.

"Now he's been in office long enough to show his true colors. He's clearly the most socialist, radically liberal president we have ever had, and nobody on the right or the left knows what to make of any of his campaign promises other than his pledge to fundamentally change America."

Fox News Editorial Director Amanda T. Reckonwith said liberal candidates and issues no longer enjoy overwhelming praise by the media because talk radio hosts, her company and internet bloggers show the opposing conservative viewpoint.

"We try to show both sides," she said, "and because the liberals are not accustomed to seeing conservatives have a television presence whatsoever, they call us biased. If you watch political shows on the major networks, you'll see conservatives bashed, interrupted and misrepresented on a regular basis. The leftists can't stand it when conservatives actually get to present their views. And they especially hate it when liberals get a dose of their own medicine when somebody like Glenn Beck criticizes them, interrupts them, and presents facts, sound bites and news clips that aren't very flattering."

Democrat election advisor Harry Boyle said conservatives should not count on any victories in general elections in November.

"Right now the polls show that Democrats will lose the House and probably the Senate," he said. "But don't forget that we know how to win elections. If we can't win on the issues, we will just attack the other side. Most Republican candidates favor creating a climate that is favorable to business, and they are against illegal immigration, and they blame terrorism on Arabs, so we always can pull out the race card if all else fails. And who wants to vote for a racist who wants to give tax breaks to the rich?"

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I don't judge a regime by the damning criticism of the opposition, but by the ingenuous praise of the partisan. — Jean Rostand

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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Note: Carefully study the names of fictitious sources to derive hidden meanings. Click on links for facts relating to the stories. We strive to answer the question, What would leftists say if they didn't think normal citizens were listening? A skilled observer studies body language and becomes expert at what some call "reading between the lines." We attempt to fill in those lines.

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