Each taxpayer to owe $1 million by year's end

by Robin Andis Merryman

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, President Barack Obama and Senate President Harry Reid held a press conference today to announce that they have almost reached their goal of spending $1 million of each taxpayer's future earnings.

"We knew we could do it," Pelosi said. "According to the U.S. Debt Clock, we're at about $988,000 per taxpayer right now in unfunded liabilities, and that number is going up every second. But we have some big bills coming up, and if we can get the carbon tax bill through, we should easily reach the $1 million level by year's end."

Reid said Americans should take pride in having good enough credit to allow them to buy the goods and services they want.

"It's kind of like owning the biggest house and the nicest car in your neighborhood," he said. "Everybody knows you don't actually own them; the bank does. But you get to live in the house and drive the car, so owing them is better than owning them. At least that's the way I see it."

Obama said U.S. citizens should pat themselves on the back for reaching the achievement.

"We never could have done it without enough people voting Democrat," he said.

He said even President Bush gets part of the credit for signing one of the biggest entitlements, the prescription drug bill.

"That would not have happened before the American people gave Congress back to Democrats," Obama noted. "It wasn't until 2001 that we started making headway again. And to borrow from Harry's analogy, how does it feel to be living in a million dollar house?  Pretty cool, huh?"

Assistant Treasury Secretary Owen A. Lott-Moore said few people understand what an unfunded liability is.

"Probably the easiest way to understand it is to think of your household," he said. "Normally you can borrow money only if the bank thinks you will earn enough to pay it back. An unfunded liability would be a debt that is more than your future earnings.

So it's really like having the biggest house and the most expensive car in your neighborhood, having nothing left over every month after paying your bills and your credit cards, and still buying a million dollar yacht. The only way to make the yacht payments would be to borrow the money. So your debt would just grow every minute and never get any smaller.

"The miracle of the federal government is that now you can buy that yacht by throwing in your lot with all other taxpayers. The government goes and buys a yacht for everybody, and then the government takes out the loans to make the payments.

"You still owe the money, but everybody knows you won't pay it back. Your children and your grandchildren will have to do that. And if they don't want to pay, then they had better vote Democrat, too, so that they can continue to take out loans to pay their debts."

Coauthors of Freaky Obamanomics, B. Trina Rock and A. Hart Pleiss, said the Obama Administration has decided to use inflation to solve the government's spending problem.

"The president wants gasoline at $100 a gallon," Pleiss said, "and once he succeeds, prices on everything will go up so much that a million dollar debt won't be that big a deal."

Chief Republican Economist Max Little said the problem with inflation is that wages typically lag behind the prices.

"Once Obamanomics gets seriously under way," he said, "you'll need a raise at noon to pay for a bus ticket home. And then you'll need to negotiate a raise before you arrive in the morning so that you can buy lunch.

"The last time we had inflation, it pretty well emptied my bank accounts. The interest I was earning wasn't keeping up with inflation, so my savings kept going down and down. I finally pulled out all my money and bought 1,000 Farrah Fawcett posters. By the time I sold them all three months later, they were worth twice as much.

"If inflation gets that bad again, I'll probably buy some Lady Gaga posters. They ought to go up in value, don't you think?"

White House economic forecaster Crystal Ball said that her calculations predict that inflation would lead to more government spending.

"If gasoline goes up, we'll need to increase the budget of every governmental agency," she said. "It will cost more to count spotted owls, build bridges to nowhere, pay farmers not to grow crops, deport undocumented aliens and clean up oil spills. Taxes will have to go up fast. Don't plan on paying off deficits anytime soon."

Recently retired GMC truck assembler Penn Sean Ure said he decided on early retirement when federal stimulus money saved his union pension.

"My goals now are fishing and going to movies," Ure said. "I certainly didn't want to get stuck working for the Government Motor Company in case the government goes broke."

Quote of the Day

“The optimist lives on the peninsula of infinite possibilities; the pessimist is stranded on the island of perpetual indecision.” — William Arthur Ward

Link of the Day

Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

Articles are copyrighted. You may email or use articles if they are attributed to Skinnyreporter.com, but you must have written permission to publish them in a printed book or magazine.

Note: Carefully study the names of fictitious sources to derive hidden meanings. Click on links for facts relating to the stories. We strive to answer the question, What would leftists say if they didn't think normal citizens were listening? A skilled observer studies body language and becomes expert at what some call "reading between the lines." We attempt to fill in those lines.

Skinnyreporter's facebook page
Skinnyreporter on Twitter
Skinnyreporter's position on bigotry

Please support our sponsors

Spurlin Heating and Air

(Call 801-709-9280 to sponsor Skinnyreporter.com satire and get tons of exposure at minimum cost)