Environmentalists Want Volcano Covered
by Kuray Z. Wurier
Quote of the Day
COPENHAGEN, Denmark — The Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull must be covered immediately to prevent catastrophic climate change, environmentalists warned today.
The president of the Stop Manufacturing Official Group (SMOG), Mick T. Supnurd, said the volcano is putting out more pollution every day than all the cars in the industrial world in an entire year.
"If we don't cover the volcano immediately," he said, "sulfur dioxide, carbon monoxide, carbon dioxide and the most dangerous compound on earth, dihydrogen monoxide, could cause simultaneous global warming and cataclysmic cooling."
He said a plastic shield easily could be made of recycled water bottles that are picked out of landfills in the United States. He noted that stimulus funds already have been allocated to hire former workers to reclaim billions of bottles.
"If our calculations are correct," Supnurd said, "the creation of the necessary and life-saving shield would be relatively easy. The bottles could be airdropped into the volcano's center, where heat and gases will melt the plastic into a fine film that will be inflated by volcanic vapors.
"It's the consensus of scientists everywhere, outside those hired by private companies, that if this is not done, the consequences will be disastrous.
"Not only will polar bears disappear from the face of the earth, but global warming could cause all glaciers and ice caps to melt, releasing pressures on the interior of the earth, which would then create shifts in the world's tectonic plates, resulting in earthquakes, cyclones, hurricanes, tornadoes, volcanos and ending with wars and rumors of wars.
"The volcanic ash would filter blue and ultraviolet rays of the sun as solar energy travels through the atmosphere, making it impossible for beach sun worshippers across the world to attain tans, causing the sun to turn to blood and darkening the night sky so that the moon appears to fall from the sky."
Global cooling could be just as catastrophic, according to scientists at the non-profit group, Scientists Concerned About Reduced Endothermodyamics (SCARE). President Graff Reider said his organization has concluded that reduced temperatures could increase life-threatening blizzards, expand the polar ice cap to dimensions last reached 8,000 years ago, cause a myriad of plant and animal species to go extinct, and force surviving humans to use carbon-emitting fuels to heat their homes.
"We echo SMOG's warning about dihydrogen monoxide," he said. "Its solid form has killed millions, if not billions of humans, because it prevents the growing of crops, causes highways to become impassable, crushes the roofs of homes and businesses, and prevents light from reaching the bottoms of lakes, causing mass fish die-offs."
President Barack Obama said he was so alarmed by the calculation, theories and computer models that have been created by SCARE and SMOG scientists that he has pledged stimulus funds to help build the shield.
"Some would have you believe that most scientists don't believe these predictions," he said. "But I'm here to tell you that anybody who is not in complete agreement with them is not a scientist. Therefore, this administration makes the declaration that all scientists believe in their predictions, calculations, categorizations, fictitions and conniptions."
Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid, who was named for an endemic bulrush on the banks of Nevada's Pyramid Lake, said he has seen evidences of both global warming and global cooling in his own state.
"The voters have been affected tremendously," he said. "Sadly, polls indicate that their support for me has cooled so much that it appears to be freezing. Conversely, those same voters have become dangerously overheated in opposition to my support for the most massive government expansion seen in the history of the United States."
Meanwhile, the volcano has grounded thousands of jetliners, preventing them from adding greenhouse gases into the upper atmosphere while simultaneously requiring the burning of natural gas, coal and fuel oil to keep furnaces on in homes and other structures where would-be travelers have gathered to wait out flying restrictions.
"We have concluded that the flying restrictions have had a net effect of increasing global warming gases," said Haight Meriweather, chief scientist at the controversial University of East Anglia, where statisticians have been touted worldwide for their abilities to massage numbers to support their views.
The University was recently vindicated in the Climategate scandal when a panel of global warming believers concluded that scientists were innocent of misleading the public about warming when they "modified" data and then sought to prevent the release of the original data to the public. Those who were the subject of the vindication then hijacked Wikipedia accounts of the controversy in an effort to protect their reputations while assailing those who stole emails that led to the controversy.
Former Vice-President Al Gore, who produced an acclaimed mockumentary on global warming, was asked about the proposed volcanic shield.
"Anything to prevent climate change, however slight and unlikely that change might be, is something I would support regardless of the cost or the likelihood that the project could have any measurable or noticeable impact on global warming or cooling," he said.
"On the one hand, as scientists we are ethically bound to the scientific method, in effect promising to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but , which means that we must include all doubts, the caveats, the ifs, ands and buts. On the other hand, we are not just scientists but human beings as well. And like most people we’d like to see the world a better place, which in this context translates into our working to reduce the risk of potentially disastrous climate change. To do that we need to get some broad based support, to capture the public’s imagination. That, of course, means getting loads of media coverage. So we have to offer up scary scenarios, make simplified, dramatic statements, and make little mention of any doubts we might have. This 'double ethical bind' we frequently find ourselves in cannot be solved by any formula. Each of us has to decide what the right balance is between being effective and being honest. I hope that means being both." — Dr. Stephen Schneider, climatologist, leading proponent of global warming and former proponent of catastrophic global cooling, Stanford University