Obama cites his own bravery in reducing the supply of gasoline

Coeds celebrate birth control vote

Volt named European Car of the Year. "I don't know why those stupid Americans won't buy it," said Geneva Auto Show Director I. Mara Gunt.

President Obama says he didn't call Sarah Palin to see how she was doing after Bill Maher called her a MILF because he knew she wasn't a Filipino terrorist.

President Obama says he won't hire his Indonesian boyhood transgender nanny to watch after his children: "I don't want them to question my manhood, let alone my national identity."

"Bill Maher is funnier than Rush Limbaugh, and that's why we didn't complain when Maher called Sarah Palin the c word," says National Organization of Women President Sue Widge.

Rush Limbaugh apologizes to Georgetown law student Sandra Fluke: "I'm sorry for using insulting word choices," he said. "Next time I will consult a thesaurus before describing a floozy who wants taxpayers to pay for her recreational unmarried sex."

Santorum says he will beat Romney if Gingrich drops out. Romney said he will win if Gingrich, Santorum and Paul drop out. Obama says he will win if Gingrich, Santorum, Romney and Paul drop out.

Santorum says Drudge is a Mitt cheerleader: "Drudge keeps writing that Mitt has won the latest state," he complained.

Arizona investigators shocked to learn that President Obama's birth certificate is an electronic fake.

"I'm 99 percernt sure I was born in America," Obama said, "but I don't remember anything before elementary school in Indonesia."

One third of women would swap IQ for larger breasts, a British survey reveals. "Almost 90 percent of women who want the swap already have low IQs," said Dr. Wyatt Hertz, a plastic surgeon who specializes in breast augmentation. "Most were willing to have fatty tissue transferred from their crania to the upper chest — memories for mammaries."

Obama demonstrates his economic genius: "If we increase oil companies' expenses, I'm pretty sure they'll increase production and reduce the price at the pump."

Gingrich ecstatic over latest poll: "I'm almost third now!"

Rick Santorum is so good at debating that he can persuade supporters to disagree with him, says Ann Coulter.

GMC Volts selling better than opponents predicted, Obama says

by Heddon Sand

March 5, 2012, Washington, DC — President Obama today said his favorite environmentally friendly car, the Government Motor Company's Chevy Volt, has been much more popular than his political opponents had predicted.

"The Republicans said nobody would buy Chevy Volts because they cost too much, don't go fast enough or far enough, and don't help the environment," Obama told an organization of GMC automotive engineers. "But they were wrong. Despite this model's shortcomings, we have sold 1,626 Volts so far in 2012."

The president said GMC has already sold almost 3 percent of the 60,000 Volts that CEO Jaimey S. Mann had projected would sell this year.

"I'm happy to announce that we should meet this year's goal sometime during Mitt Romney's second term," he said.

Mann defended his predictions, which have been consistently far more optimistic than actual results.

"I'm living up to the promises I made to President Obama when he got Congress to buy GMC and asked me to head the company," Mann said. "I told him I would help him stop Americans from burning fossil fuels and vowed to always tell him what he wants to hear. Making accurate projections is above my pay grade."

Assistant Energy Secretary Noah Count said GMC has already taken steps to to meet the unanticipated demand for Volts.

"We will adjust employee numbers downward by about 1,300 and we will reduce energy consumption at the Volt factory by 99 percent," he said.

Count said the adjustments will conserve energy because fewer commutes to GMC factories will be required, stationary conveyor belts consume no electricity, and unoccupied buildings require neither air conditioning nor heat.

Deputy Labor Secretary N. Hugh Mayne said all 1,300 former employees will qualify for food stamps, which will stimulate the economy even more than if the employees had retained their jobs.

"Former Volt workers also will get two years of unemployment compensation as long as they agree not to take jobs that pay less than the taxpayer-subsidized jobs at GMC and Solyndra," he said.

Mayne said he might hire as many as five former GMC employers to help convince large corporations to replace fleet vehicles with Volts. He pointed out that General Electric, headed by former Obama Jobs Czar Jeffrey Immelt, has ordered its employees to buy Volts.

"Jeff knew employees would drive Volts if the company paid for recharging the batteries," he said. "And to make sure, he stopped reimbursing expenses of employees who keep burning gas. If it weren't for Jeff, we probably would have sold 26 instead of 1,626 Volts."

Internal Revenue Service Director Penny Wise said her agency will take steps to improve Volt production.

"We will probably disallow deductions for driving gas cars by all Americans," she said. "Our calculations show that companies will switch to Volts if they can't write off their gasoline-powered vehicles."

United Mine Workers of America President Cole Burns said his union is solidly behind the Chevy Volt.

"More than 80 percent of electricity generated in the U.S. comes from coal-fired power plants," he said. "If people buy more Volts, they will buy more electricity, and we'll have to dig up more coal."

Future Firefighters of America President Arson Nyst said his group wants more Americans to buy Volts to ensure an increasing demand for members of his organization.



Limerick of the Day

I once tried to write with my Bic
What I thought was a witty limerick
When to my disgrace
It fell on its face
And lay there like a flat brick
Craig LaRocco.

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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