Obama thrilled by Volt sales, expects 1 million by 2094

by F. Rhee Lancer

DETROIT, Michigan, May 11, 2011 — Cheering, applause, shouting and whistling filled the massive GM (Government Motors) office complex today when President Obama announced that 2,000 Chevrolet Volts will be on the road within three weeks.

"This is a milestone for those of us who have been working to stop global warming and save polar bears from drowning," Obama said before the White House press corps, which gave him a standing ovation.

Barely able to contain a smile, the man who simultaneously serves as president of the U.S. and the uberboss of GM said more Volts were sold in March (608) and April (493) than in February and January combined.

"At this rate we should reach my goal of one million Volts in use by the turn of the century," he said. "And if we can get sales up to 1,000 a month, the goal will be reached by June 2094."

Obama left the press conference early so that he could arrive back in Washington, D.C., for his afternoon tee time, leaving governmental experts to answer questions. His stretch Smustang limo reached Detroit Metro Airport by 9 a.m., allowing Air Force One to take off by 9:13.

Transportation Secretary Phil R. Rupp said the president's jet had been specially modified to conserve fuel.

"On a full tank of 53,611 gallons of jet fuel Air Force One can now fly 8,000 miles," he said. "It's incredibly efficient. The aircraft will burn only about $33,000 in fuel during the round trip between here and Andrews Air Force Base, and we could get by on less than that if we didn't have to take off and land."

Presidential Economist Shirley Rich said the president is committed to flying as much as possible as part of his effort to increase Volt sales.

"The president understands the law of supply and demand," Rich said, "and so he is doing his best to reduce the supply of oil, gasoline, diesel and other derivatives.

"If the supply goes down, the price will go up. Naturally, people will buy more Volts if they can't afford to drive vehicles that are powered only by gasoline or other oil derivatives."

Secretary of Energy Wynn Mills pledged to continue the president's efforts to reduce the supply of gasoline to drive up the demand for Volts.

"We will not allow any drilling in the Arctic except by foreign companies, we will continue the moratorium on drilling in the Gulf of Mexico regardless of what some lone judge might say, and we promise to keep oil rigs away from the Pacific and Atlantic coasts," he said.

"And one more thing, we have cancelled hundreds of oil and gas leases in the Mountain West, and I promise to fight to maintain those cancellations all the way to the Supreme Court if necessary."

Assistant Secretary of the Interior Woody Forrest said his department is committed to reducing supplies of all fossil fuels, including oil shale and coal.

"We're afraid that if we let the big oil companies access oil shale," he said, "they will find a 250-year supply to burn, and we'll never succeed in cooling the earth."

"People are just going to figure out other ways to heat their homes and produce electricity. If God had wanted us to burn fossil fuels, he wouldn't have buried them out of sight."

Environmental Protection Agency Director Anita Schauer pledged to limit motor vehicles powered by natural gas.

"Compressed natural gas cars are getting out of hand," she said. "We used to encourage them because they burn cleaner, but then we realized that natural gas is a fossil fuel, too. Unfortunately, we have a 200-year supply in the U.S. To discourage the use of CNG vehicles, we won't allow expired tanks to be tested for safety, and we will be shortening the time they can be used until the cost of driving a CNG car is prohibitive."

The president's alternative energy czar, Cole Power, said he is working hard to develop sources of electricity that do not rely on fossil fuels or nuclear reactors.

"We're putting up windmills like mad," he said. "We're also trying to put up solar panels as fast as we can. Unfortunately, both methods of producing electricity are prohibitively expensive right now, but if we can reduce the supply of coal and other fossil fuels, that will make them relatively cheaper.

"The vast majority of our electricity right now is produced by coal-fired generators and nuclear power plants. We promise not to allow any more nuclear plants, and we'll put the coal mines out of business, just as the president promised when he was running for office."

Half a dozen reporters sidled up to this reporter as the press conference was winding down to confide that they don't believe in the government's Volt program.

"We're just afraid to refrain from applauding when the president announces his anemic sales figures because we don't want to be banned from the presidential press pool," one reporter said. "I, for one, would have a hard time finding a job in this economy."

Arriving late at the press conference was Former Vice-President Al Gore, who drew another round of applause as reporters moved in a semicircle around him. Gore, who won a Nobel Peace Prize for his factually inaccurate but emotionally impactful mockumentary on global warming, said citizens must sacrifice in order to save the earth from global warming.

"We're not asking much," he said. "Instead of central heating, wear snowmobile suits indoors, start eating sushi instead of cooking your fish, learn to enjoy cold showers, and get good sleeping bags for your bedrooms.

"You also should move next to your work place, stop burning fossil fuels to go on vacation, sell your boats, snowmobiles, four-wheelers and SUVs, buy a Volt, and stop buying products that have to be shipped to the closest big box store," he said. "If everybody in America would do these small things, it won't make much of an impact globally, but if the Chinese and Russians see our example, I'm confident they will follow."

"Millions of people across the East saying enough already with the snow and ice and cold. Another winter storm roared through today. More records were toppled, and it heightened that question: Do the leading scientists now agree that this is global warming? And this is what winter will be from now on?" — Diane Sawyer, ABC News, after dozens of cities and states set records for snowfall and cold temperatures this past winter.

Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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