Obama vows to protect voting rights of 'undocumented immigrants' and felons

by Burrough Ken English

Jan. 23, 2012, Washington, DC — President Obama today said he will use "whatever federal resources are necessary" to protect voting rights of illegal aliens and convicted felons.

"I have directed Attorney General Eric Holder to file suit against any state that tries to keep undocumented immigrants and convicted felons from voting in the 2012 federal elections," he said.

Obama noted that under his direction Holder filed a lawsuit against the state of South Carolina last month, successfully preventing election officials there from requiring citizens to show voter identification in Saturday's presidential primary election.

"I'm proud that we blocked South Carolina's new voter ID law," the president said. "Now I am pledging to block voter ID laws in all 31 states that require them. Such laws are discriminatory against minorities, the poor, the uneducated, the illiterate, drug addicts, undocumented immigrants, voters without certified birth certificates, transients and convicted felons, as well as deceased citizens who gave their full measure of devotion to the United States. I will do my best to prevent Republican legislators from disenfranchising these voters, who overwhelmingly support the my party's efforts to expand federal entitlements."

Election Czar Juan Moore Dolares said voter ID would not have prevented former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich from prevailing over former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney.

"Gingrich opposes deportation of immigrants who can prove they have been in the country without required documentation for 25 years," he said. "But very few people can qualify under the speaker's narrow requirements. Most people who lack immigration papers also lack documentation proving they have not been in possession of such papers."

He noted, however, that most polls show that illegal immigrants clearly support Obama over any Republican nominee and could have a major impact on the general election in November.

The president's chief campaign adviser, Freda Slaves, said Republicans favor voter ID laws because they are intended to defeat not only Obama but also any Democrat running for Congress.

"If it weren't for the support of deceased voters, both the Senate and the House might be under Republican control," she noted. "Al Franken was declared the senator from Minnesota largely because 2,812 deceased voters threw their support behind him. If Republicans had their way, they would have disenfranchised those voters and reversed the desire of Minnesotans who had passed on to see a comic represent their state."

A group of journalists have demonstrated that the federal government's efforts to block voter identification laws are effective. In New Hampshire, which does not require voter ID, journalists were able to cast about 50 votes for interred citizens.

Skinnyreporter polled more than 300 voters who would be prevented from exercising their voting rights if Republican-backed voter identification laws are allowed to stand. Of those 256, or slightly more than 85 percent, said they are likely to vote for Obama over any Republican.

Indian immigrant Hyde N. Sihk said he intends to vote a straight Democrat ticket in November because he is tired of playing hide and seek with immigration officials simply because he failed to acquire a work visa before entering the U.S.

"The Democrats support a pathway to citizenship," he said, "and that's what I want. I don't want to go back to Calcutta; that's for sure."

Transportation specialist Kai Odie said he would vote for Democrats even though their policies could reduce demand for his services. He said word of mouth keeps him in business because many prospective voters utilize his service of providing oversize taxis, usually 18-wheel tractor-trailers, to large groups of undocumented immigrants.

"If Republicans had their way," he said, "I would be completely out of business. That is hypocritical for a party that says it's pro-business."

Nebraska irrigation pipe mover Juan A. Job said he intends to vote Democrat because Republicans would make him pay for his own health care.

"Obamacare would require the farmers I work for to buy my insurance or pay a $4,100 fine," he said. "And if that fails, the Democrats would allow me to continue getting my health care at any hospital emergency room."

An undocumented chemical transporter who works the border of Texas and Mexico, the former Luis Rodriguez, said he will vote Republican under his new legal name, Wade A. River, which he took to honor his vocation.

"Most of the Republicans I talk to want to maintain the illegal status of THC and other hallucinatory drugs," he said. "That would ensure future demand for what I do."

New Mexico resident Greene Card, a certified document reproduction specialist, also said he will vote GOP because most Republicans support deportation of immigrants who do not have proper documents or a reasonable facsimile thereof.

Law professor Ayley N. Nate, originally from the Caiman Islands and an instructor in constitutional law at Southern Arizona Law College, said he supports the Obama administration's pledge to overturn voter identification requirements.

"Aliens don't choose alienage voluntarily," he said. "Aliens' inalienable rights are alienated by these laws. Anti-aliens should not be able to discriminate on the basis of aliens' alienesses."

UCLA Language Researcher Rowlan Mai-Arz, who suffers from a terminal brain disease, said he wants his descendants to cast his vote as a Democrat for at least 10 years after his demise and considers voter ID requirements to be discriminatory against citizens with English as a second language as well as those who prematurely depart mortality.

"I'm with the 99 percent," he said. "Not only the 99 percent who make less than the 1 percent of top wage earners but the 99 percent who will leave this earth before they want to. We deserve our rights, too."

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