Why liberals hate conservative women

Maher attacks women

Today's Synapses

Billionaires sending millions to President Obama's reelection campaign. "I simply can't support the Republicans," said multi-billionaire fruit grower Cherry T. Ball. "They want us to keep too much of our money."

North Korean engineering student Yo Shoiz Dum reveals that his graduating class was happy to see yesterday's rocket failure. "It will be a lot easier to get jobs with the current guys shot.

Independent voters praise Vice-President Joe Biden. "I read a lot about both Republicans and Democrats," said voter Leica Lamb. "And yet I never realized that the GOP has a secret policy to ban contraceptives until the vice-president announced it today."

Limerick of the Day

The was an old man from Syria
Who suffered a case of diphtheria
He called for a nurse
Who phoned for a hearse
Because no doctor, she said, will go near ya’
Craig LaRocco

Democrats abandon war on women

by Will Power

April 13, 2012, Washington, DC — The Democrat National Committee today issued a letter intended to end hostilities toward specific high-profile conservative women.

"We must stay focused on principles, not personalities," DNC Womens Coordinator May B. Luce wrote in a letter that was sent to campaign advisers, Democrat candidates, liberal pundits and left-leaning comedians. "Criticism of lifestyles that conflict with Democrat Party principles is acceptable but not when tied with individual women."

Luce referred to Democrat adviser Hilary Rosen's criticism of Ann Romney and widespread name-calling of former vice-president candidate Sarah Palin and former presidential candidate Michele Bachmann.

"Hilary was right to criticize a presidential candidate for getting economic advice from somebody who has never worked a day in her life," she wrote. "Obviously a woman who has never had a real job would know nothing about how the economy has affected women. Hilary's mistake was in specifically naming Ann.

"Similarly, even though Palin and Bachmann might fit the description, it doesn't help our cause when one of our supporters, such as comedian Bill Maher or commentator Ed Schultz, calls them sluts and whores. Our polling tells us that some people tend to sympathize and vote for females who are attacked. It is perfectly acceptable to label all conservative women with terms that describe their morality, sources of income and sexual habits. We simply may not name individuals."

Noah Little, President Obama's chief adviser on female matters, said he welcomes the policy change.

"It's undoubtedly true that somebody who has never worked a day in her life knows very little about how the economy affects women," he said, "but it's wrong to embarrass Mit Romney's wife because she gets unwarranted sympathy from the public because she has multiple sclerosis and has had breast cancer."

Luce's letter states, "No person representing or promoting the Democrat Party shall criticize individuals by name when discussing principles that the party has fought for decades to implement in government policies. Among those principles are the right to free medical care, including free birth control, the right to an abortion, the right to be paid the same amount as men who work the same number of hours, the right to choose a career over having children, the right to free child care for women who choose to bear children out of wedlock, the right to produce pornography, the right for lesbians to sue ministers who won't marry them, and the right to receive welfare payments equal to paychecks.

"As the chief female advisor in the DNC, I advisedly advise all advisers to implement the advice in this advisory."

CNN News Editor Barb A. Russ said the new policy goes too far.

"How am I supposed to do my job if I can't name names when dealing with imbeciles, idiots, morons, sluts and prostitutes?" she said. "The problem with it is that if we don't alert the public about the evil conservatives who would cut taxes and reduce the size of the federal government, people might be fooled by what they say rather than what we say they mean to say."

Anita Pil-Dayley, president of The Society of Liberals United for Socialism (SLUTS) is solidly behind the policy.

"People are much more likely to accept Democrat principles if we don't name names," she said. "For example, our surveys have show most voters readily accept our policy that women should be subject to fines and jail time if they refuse to employ their free choice to prevent Down syndrome children from entering the world and burdening our health care and education systems. But when pundits and politicians criticized Sarah Palin for ignoring amniotic fluid tests that indicated her fetus with Down syndrome, many voters supported her out of sympathy and misplaced honor and respect."

Political comedienne Mary May Kerr said she is confident that liberal entertainers can get laughs by criticizing conservative policies without using mysogist terms to describe successful females.

"It used to be funny to call Ann Coulter or Michele Bachman a slut or a peabrain," she said. "But that's getting old. To stay on top comedians and comediennes need to get some fresh material."

NBC Reporter Eileen South said she hopes other journalists who oppose Republicans abide by the policy change.

"Even if a zombie or skank like Michele Bachmann runs for public office," South said, "I hope the mass media will refuse to make personal attacks. There's a very good reason for that. Sometimes people feel sorry for the object of an attack, and we don't need people rooting for conservatives."

Liberal radio host Miss Aja Nyst said she can live with the new DNC guidelines.

"I was losing listeners anyway," she said. "Every time I named conservatives who should have their ovaries cut out, my ratings went down. Now I can still make my point that no real woman would be a conservative, and I'll just stop calling for Ann Coulter to give up her reproductive organs."

President Obama said he supports the DNC policy change but said it might need to be revised if polls indicate that it is not working.

"We made John McCain unelectable during the last presidential campaign when we got reporters to call Sarah Palin names," he said. "It worked then and it would work again. So we'll just have to see how things go. Still, there's no way I'm going to ask my Super PAC to send Bill Maher's million bucks back."

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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