Judge bans mention of God

Demos celebrate food stamp record

Rep. Charles Weiner blames Twitter prank on his multiple personalities

by Buch Arthur

WASHINGTON, D.C., June 2, 2011 — Congressman Anthony Weiner (R-New York) today admitted that he hacked into his own Twitter account and sent a suggestive picture of himself to a 21-year-old coed in Seattle. But he said the whole incident can be blamed on temporary insanity that is caused by his multiple personality disorder.

"I have several personalities, and they are likely to surface at the most inopportune times," he said. "Let's just say that I was mad at myself for making fun of myself. That made the other myself mad, which confused myself more than any of my selves thought would ever happen.  At least that's what I'm telling myself even though I haven't convinced myself, but I have to admit to myself that I might have subconsciously wanted to sabotage myself by myself."

Weiner's psychiatrist, Dr. Lou Neebin, who said he had his patient's written permission to discuss all aspects of his mental ailments, said the confused congressman suffers from possessing five distinct personalities.

"First there's Cool Tony Dude, who thinks he's cool, single and available," Neebin said. "Tony is often overshadowed by Mr. A. Weiner, who is respectably married, wise, dresses very conservatively but leads a double life as a pervert, spending most of his income at Scores and other gentlemen's clubs. Then there's Bad Boy Anthony, a sexual sociopath who wishes he had sewn his wild oats in college and wants to make up for lost time. Yo Antonio is a Jewish-Italian computer-savvy stud who follows 128 women on Twitter and Facebook. Finally there's Congressman Weiner, who is abrasive but who is committed to saving America by spending the country into oblivion."

The psychiatrist explained that in this case Cool Tony Dude wanted to play a joke on Congressman Weiner, so he looked through Bad Boy Anthony's hard drive, found some incriminating photos and then sent them out on cyberspace.

The joke backfired, angering some of Yo Antonio's girlfriends when they learned that other women had relationships with some of the five Weiner personalities. Mr. Anthony then became paranoid about having his double life exposed, so he began calling reporters unsavory names before Congressman Weiner regained control and said he would answer no more questions about the affair even though Yo Antonio and Bad Boy Anthony said they are open to extending discussions of the incident to 14 hours from the current 11 "if National Enquirer increases its offer."

Congressman Weiner said he was thankful for phone calls of encouragement that he received during the past week from more than a dozen political celebrities who have been scandalized by sexual accusations, including the husband of former unelected Vice-President Hillary Clinton, a former senior senator from Idaho, adulterer and former presidential candidate John Edwards, and the Reverend and love child daddy Jesse Jackson.

"All of these wonderful people told me it was time to 'fess up," he said. "And so that's what I'm doing. I want to be mayor of New York and then president of the United States, and so I must be accountable for my actions for people to vote for me."

Weiner said some of his personalities are humble enough to admit to human error, and they were able to persuade himself to come forward with the truth.

"Part of me wants to apologize to some of the women I have hurt," he said. "I especially want to say I'm sorry to Ginger Lee for calling her a porn star rather than a hard working adult film actress."

Mr. Anthony also made an apology of sorts to Glen Beck for saying in May 2010 that Beck was helping a gold company rip off people who wanted to buy gold as a safety investment.

"I only wish I had spent $100,000 on gold the day I went after Beck," Weiner said. "I would have made nearly $50,000 already. The people who listened to Beck rather than to me made a huge profit, but I still think he was wrong to accept advertising from a company that charged a fee to buy and sell gold."

Weiner said he is considering several offers that could help him recoup some of the losses he incurred by investing instead in federal bonds, which lost value after inflation and taxes.

"I understand that Amazon wants to pay me big time royalties for T shirts with a picture of me in my skivvies," he said. "And Lifetime Television wants me to play myself in a made-for-TV movie, 'Twittering My Life Away.' I'm also tempted to take up Random House on their $2 million advance for my tell-all autobiography, tentatively titled 'The Five Faces of Tony.'"

Quote of the Day

Of the 200 women whom Congressman Anthony Weiner follows on Twitter, "a surprising number ... do seem to be what might be termed nubile out-of-state houris." — Alexandra Petri, Washington Post

Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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