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Whistleblowers warned to keep silent about unpopular policies

by Perry Audakel

June 28, 2011, Washington, D.C.— President Obama's newest czar reminded federal employees today that whistleblowing will not be tolerated by the government, particularly if embarrassing information is provided to right-wing news media.

Appointed last month as director of the Multiagency Executive Surveillance System (MESS), Donna May Quaves said political correctness and secrecy are critical to the success of the Obama administration.

"What's important is the final result," she said, "not the steps that are necessary to reach our objectives. Lesser employees often don't understand the intricacies of this administration's efforts to mold public opinion, and we cannot have people provide information to civilians who could negatively impact President Obama's long-term goals."

She said employees who embarrass the administration will be terminated, then cited as an example the firing of Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms whistle blower Vince Cefalu.

"Mr. Cefalu obviously did not have the intelligence necessary to realize that allowing guns to be sold to Mexican criminals could go a long way toward persuading Congress to institute broader gun control," she said. "Every time such a gun is used to kill or maim an innocent victim, more and more people are convinced that the Second Amendment must be repealed."

MESS Public Relations Director Perrine Noyd said the Transportation Security Administration yesterday released an agent who told Fox News that a 95-year-old female cancer patient was required to remove her adult diaper to board a flight.

"It's not a TSA agent's job to go to the media," Noyd said. "His or her job is to pat down travelers, particularly children who might be carrying bombs and elderly women who might be carrying explosives designed as hip replacements or wet diapers. It is not an agent's job to question this administration's policies."

TSA Director Phil M. Goode said his agents do not profile potential terrorists because "a 95-year-old woman is just as likely to hijack a plane as a 25-year-old Arab."

He said few agents understand that the TSA has been assigned a multitude of tasks, not just providing security to passengers of airlines. Equally important is the agency's contribution toward reducing the emission of global warming gases into the upper atmosphere.

"We have made a great deal of headway in fighting global warming," Goode said, "because we are causing civilians to think twice before wasting fossil fuels through air travel."

Environmental Protection Agency Chief Allah Zins Hannity, an immigrant from Iraq, said his agency ordered TSA to target travelers who do not have a pressing need for airline transportation, such as retirees, children, vacationers and businessmen who are failing to take advantage of remote conferencing technology.

"A 95-year-old women who is suffering from leukemia and is confined to a wheelchair is exactly the sort of person who should be staying at home," Goode said. "Such persons must undergo additional security screening, which not only contributes to the security of all Americans but also serves to discourage unnecessary travel."

Even doctors can be blissfully ignorant of the underlying reasons for official policies, said MESS Assistant Director Kraye Zeenau. He said a whistleblowing psychiatrist was released from his duties at Camp Lejeune as well as from his regular income when he unwisely revealed that Marines returning from war might be prone to violence.

"President Obama wants our service personnel to be returned to this country as soon as possible," Zeenau said. "If civilians are afraid that men playing adult war games tend to be violent, voters might not want to bring back our military men and women as quickly."

Immigrations and Customs Enforcement Director E. Lee Gelmann said he has had to fire several agents for revealing critical information to right-leaning talk show hosts, Fox News reporters and conservative lawmakers.

"My job is to promote a pathway to citizenship for all foreigners who enter this country illegally," he said. "And yet at the same time I must convince the public that we are securing our borders."

Gelmann said one of his most effective techniques at accomplishing both purposes has been to target undocumented immigrants who have dependents who are American citizens.

"If we can find a man who was brought into this country as a child and now has an American wife, several children and has been working as a responsible citizen," he said, "that's the guy we want to deport. We call the local news media and let them help us demonstrate how unfair our immigration laws are. So far that's been working great."

Perceptive Quote of the Day

"The two pillars of 'political correctness' are: a) willful ignorance b) a steadfast refusal to face the truth." — George MacDonald

Link of the Day

Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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