Tom Hanks proud of Obama infomercial: "I want to take over ShamWow next."
China's Communist Party Head Wi Laik Dah Laz thanks America for stimulus funds that create Chinese jobs.
Feds rule that $50 light bulbs are affordable for the typical American family. "You can afford one if you skip just one meal a month," said Assistant Energy Secretary Leitz R. Auff. "That's a small price to pay to help President Obama fulfill his promise to lower the sea level."
"Gingrich and Santorum are frustrated that their class warfare against Romney isn't working. "They're all millionaires," said Wisconsin cheese factory worker Lynn Burger.
Republicans announce new weapon in its war on women as Rep. Michelle Bachmann introduces a bill that would prohibit women from running for office or holding full-time jobs. "This will keep housewives in the kitchen where they belong," the former presidential candidate said.
Obama's Chief Economic Adviser Noah Klue admits stimulus spending has not improved the economy or created permanent jobs. "That's why we needed another $194 billion in stimulus spending," he said. "Everybody knows we can't get out of debt until we get into more debt."
Santorum said a former alcoholic is the best man to trust not to drink. "I used to be in favor of a federal health insurance mandate, but that was a long time ago. Voters can trust me not to drink from that bottle again."
March 9, 2012, Kerrville, TX — A "game" "ranch" in "Texas" has canceled a "hunt" for a rare "sacred" white "buffalo" after "Indians" protested. [Editor's note: Why all the quotes? See the box at the end of this story.]
Resident Game Manager Schuh T. Mall said the ranch owner was asking $13,500 for the opportunity to shoot his white bison, which he had named Bambi White in honor of an exotic dancer he had met during a trip to Las Vegas. There had been no takers for three years before a Sioux tribesman who was surfing the Internet while looking for pictures of the same dancer stumbled across Mall's offer.
The tribesman, who goes by an English translation of his Sioux name, Little Loincloth, said he was shocked to learn that the white man intended to make "big bucks" from the killing of an animal that he considered sacred. He notified his tribal council, which quickly spread the word. Within days the ranch's email inbox was jammed with messages from protesters.
"We decided to withdraw our offer to shoot Bambi," Mall said, "but as for our other animals we eventually will shoot 'em all, including our non-sacred brown bison, zebras, native whitetail deer and spotted axis deer. Bambi is permanently safe as she will be housed in our new Abya Yala Animal Chapel, where aborigines who wish to worship her may do so for the nominal fee of a bottle of firewater, a button of peyote and one-thirtieth of a moon's wages."
Indian Country Today's Facebook page shows a picture of a sedated Bambi White along with a Texan who used a crossbow hypodermic bolt to tranquilize the animal. Click here to see the photo and the comments of Facebook users who viewed the picture.
Most comments on the page were written by persons who were opposed to the killing of any animal behind high fences, but several were posted by aborigines and others who considered the killing of a white bison to be sacrilegious.
"The white man’s nature is to destroy himself," wrote Steven Medina. "No one can change this. The sooner the better."
Skinnyreporter contacted one poster, a Crow Indian by the name of Steel Tail, who said his great-great grandfather, Iron Tail, who had fought Gen. George Custer and later became the chief model for the buffalo nickel, minted from 1913 to 1938. Tail indicated that his surname resulted from the rock-hard back side that his famous ancestor developed by riding mustangs daily in search of a sacred white buffalo.
"Native Americans used to worship and revere any abnormal animal," Tail said. "The two-headed snake, the white porcupine and the melanistic black squirrel all were considered blessings of the Great Spirit, but the white buffalo was considered the most sacred of all because, according to Indian prophecies, the white man will one day pollute the skies so greatly that the sun will be blocked, and a great ice age will come. Only the white buffaloes will survive because wolves will not be able to see them in the snow and ice. Within a generation the white man will die out in the cold, leaving the white buffalo to carry the genes of the brown buffalo, which will again dominate after the man-caused climate change ends."
Tail said shooting a white bison is akin to soaking a crucifix in urine.
"Christians would not tolerate such blasphemy," he said, "and that's how the Indians are reacting to the proposed killing of a white buffalo.
"The white man sees the white buffalo and sees a warm coat and a year's supply of meat. The Indians sees the buffalo and sees a symbol of the American West before the arrival of Columbus, the Spaniard Conquistadors and the American cowboy. To destroy this symbol of the land made for us by the Great Spirit is wrong."