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Billionaires beg Obama: 'Raise our taxes'

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What's your plan, Mr. President?

How Obama fought to keep a Chicago neighborhood blighted

Today's Synapses

Obama says he wasn't born with a silver spoon in his mouth. "It was lead-plated," said obstetrician Dr. Will E. Dye, who said he signed Obama's long-lost birth certificate. "And lead poisoning leads to brain malfunction, which explains why he thinks the way he does."

"Housewife" was one of the most common occupations listed by March donors to the Romney campaign. Homemakers donated $905,000. "I wanted to support Mitt's efforts to stop the Democrats' war on women," said housewife and stay-at-home mother Crystal Snow, who donated two Abe Lincolns.

Today's Limerick

A Cannibal's Confession

The guilt moved his soul just a smidgen
His life was in need of revision
So he met with a priest
And commenced holy feast
Thus getting a taste for religion
This new gospel taste he could trust
That no more after flesh would he lust
His stomach thus greased
He heaved up the priest
And threw up his hands in disgust
Jared LaRocco

You might be a conservative if ...

by Al Fresco
Skinnyreporter.com

You might be a conservative if ...

You donate money to a candidate who promises not to take money from you.

You complain that Obama plays too much golf but don't like others complaining about how much you play.

You support the military for protecting your freedoms but oppose liberals who crash military funerals to say dead soldiers are baby killers who got what they deserved.

You oppose killing the unborn babies but favor killing natural born killers.

You think the best way for the federal government to end a recession is to cut spending.

You think Barack Obama got a foreign student scholarship to attend an American university.

You praise George Bush for the capture of Saddam Hussein but cringe when liberals say Obama killed Osama bin Laden.

You know more about Ronald Reagan than the Octomom.

You oppose indoctrination of children in school but love it in church.

You decry violence on TV but get mad when the lamestream media won't show the violence that Islamic terrorists have done to innocent people.

You show no emotion when a logger cuts down a tree but dab your eyes when the flag is unfurled.

You think liberals condone illegal immigration to build their voter base.

You donate to charities but think federal handouts foster laziness.

You think your church can decide who needs a hand better than a bureaucratic case worker.

You think enhanced interrogation led to the killing of Osama bin Laden.

You think scientists who can't predict next month's weather also cannot predict global warming in 10 years.

You think math professors should speak understandable English.

You don't believe using a gas-powered lawnmower will lead to more global warming.

You think we could have won the wars in Viet Nam, Afghanistan and Iraq if only the military would have been allowed to run the war without intervention from politicians.

You think schoolchildren should be allowed to sing Christmas carols.

You think moms know better than federal scientists what your child should have in his lunch box.

You live in a subdivision with restrictive covenants but get upset when a housing association bans the display of American flags.

You think you should be able to wear a flag shirt whenever you want, even on Cinco de Mayo.

You call God before 911.

You think it's wrong for a college student to have safe sex with multiple partners just because of some ancient Jewish scripture.

You oppose violence but have a concealed carry permit.

You get mad when half the characters on your favorite TV show turn out to be gay.

You think reducing taxes on corporations will lead to more jobs and investment.

You know Sen. Joseph McCarthy was never on the House Un-American Activities Committee.

You think FDR deepened and prolonged the Great Depression when he ended it in only 15 years.

You oppose sending billions of dollars in foreign aid to countries who reject your old-fashioned ideas of capitalism and freedom of religion.

You oppose racial quotas but want more black conservatives.

Roseann and Rosie make you mad.

You distrust Hollywood actors but loved Reagan and Charlton Heston.

You think our founding fathers would have outlawed Playboy and strip bars.

You think expanding ice packs, glaciers and record cold winters prove global warming is over.

You like federal bans on narcotics but hate the ban on incandescent bulbs.

You opp ose tax money going to pay foreign banks for the gambling debts of American banks, but you'll pay off your deadbeat son's car loan.

You think people who ride mass transit should pay the cost of their rides.

You think teachers should pay more but vote against tax increases.

Every time you hear of FDR, JFK, MLK or Bill Clinton, you think about how they cheated on their wives.

You think that government should get out of your life but want the police to stop your neighbor from growing marijuana.

You think liberal professors indoctrinate their students.

You support funding the military but don't want your taxpayers to green energy companies that need a hand while they try to figure out how to get people to buy their goods.

You say, "Buy American," but then refuse to buy a Volt because the American government bought controlling stock in the company.

You oppose raising taxes on corporations but complain that GM hasn't paid any taxes since donating to Obama.

You complain about a clunker worth $200 is sitting in your neighbor's yard but complain when the government pays $3,500 for the same car in the "Cash for Clunkers" program.

I will be adding to this list and adding links to illuminate its concepts. Feel free to borrow from it, email it to friends, twitter from it, etc. Please include a link to this page.Collum Reitter, Skinnyreporter

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Arriving at truth, through the Non-Scientific Method: Testing political theories by examining absurdity through the application of illogic, satire, sarcasm, spurious news reports and humor.

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